Life got better, then worse, then better, for good. Long story.

[RANDALL]

As of today, the last 12 days have changed my life forever. This is a long story, but it's something I'd like to share.

 

There is a girl that I have worked with at my part-time job for the last 4 out of 7 years I have worked there. I have always had feelings for her, but I accepted a long time ago that we would probably never be more than friends. For the longest time, I didn't even think we were friends, but an opportunity came three weeks ago to try and find out.

 

I had noticed that she seemed upset about something, and it was apparent for almost a whole week. Normally, she is pretty cheerful, so I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was, nor was it my business. Coincidentally, for a few days that week, we were both scheduled until closing which at that time of night meant that for the last hour of the store being open, we were by ourselves in the front end of the store. By the way, the week I am referring to was the week before she started college again, just before her availability changed.

 

I knew she had a boyfriend, a guy a few years older than me, but she had mentioned to me one night that week that she was going somewhere, and I had asked if her boyfriend was going too. At that point in time, what she had said, but I misinterpreted, was that he had left for drug rehab 6 months ago. She had said she was sad that he loved the drugs more than he loved her. I had said I was sorry to hear it. What I did not know was that they had still maintained their relationship until mid August. 

 

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I had made a post on this website a while back about deactivating my facebook account. I deactivated it on July 23rd. Turns out, I got bored and activated it again on August 23rd.

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Apparently, her now ex-boyfriend had openly posted some things about the end of their relationship on his facebook page back when their breakup happened. Again, none of my business, but if I had had my facebook activated at that time, I would have known.

 

Anyway, like I said, an opportunity aroused. At this time, I still had no idea that it was their recent breakup that was what was bothering her. So, that week just before school started, she told me where she had just transferred to which happens to be the same University that my sister went to, about 20 minutes from my house. She told me when she was moving in, and I had asked if she needed any help moving in, and she said no thanks because her Dad would help her. That was not the opportunity, but it leads to what I am about to say. She said that she would be hosting a moving-in party and she said I was invited. 

 

Now, I got excited. At the end of the week, I asked my good friend whom I went to school with, who happens to live in the town where this girl's University is, if he'd be in town and would like to go to a bar, well known to the area and to the students. My friend had relocated up to the northern part of my state for his new job since we graduated, but coincidentally, he was coming home that week and staying at his parents' house for a doctor's appointment on Friday morning (last week).

 

Knowing this, two weeks ago I invited this girl to meet us at this bar for Thursday night of last week. She told me that money was tight because she was trying to finish paying her term bill for this semester, but when I offered to pay for drinks, she said she'd love to. 

 

This "date" was last Thursday. A few days before that, I asked for her phone number, and she gave it to me. Until that point in time, we had communicated via facebook. 

 

So, Wednesday of last week came, and it was the first week of classes for her. I asked if she had some free time that day so I could see where she lived so I could meet her Thursday night. She said she had one morning class and that I could stop by early in the afternoon so she could take a nap after class. So, I met up with her at 1:00 PM Wednesday, and we went to the bookstore so she could buy one of her textbooks. After that, I offered to buy her some frozen yogurt, and she said yes. So, we talked for a bit while we ate, and when we were done, we went outside and sat at a bench so she could smoke a cigarette. After this, I left, but as I was about to talk away, she stuck her arm out to give me a hug, so I gave her a hug. 

 

Thursday night of last week came, and I parked at my friend's house with a cooler of her favorite beer and a cart to transport it to her place with. My friend forgot I had work until 10:00 PM that night, so he went to the bar and met some of his friends and was already drunk. Anyway, it is really easy to get a ticket by University police for parking in a student lot at night time, so I dragged my cart and cooler a mile up the road to her townhouse. I got to her place at 11:20 PM, and we each had one beer, deciding to not let it get too late before we went to the bar. 

 

Coincidentally, my friend was leaving the bar as we got there and were in line about to pay to enter. This was good because I wanted time alone with her anyway. Anyway, we had a good talk at the bar for about 2 hours. When we were walking back to her place, I asked if she had a good time, and she said she did. All I wanted was to cheer her up since I knew something was bothering her, so I was happy to hear this. By the time we got back to her place, it was late and she needed to go to bed because she had classes in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I saw that she seemed miserable at work, and that I just missed seeing her smile, and that she should smile more. At that point in time, she smiled from ear to ear and she gave me a hug and I left.

 

Friday (next day) comes and I was not working, but I knew she was. I went into the store to buy some food and when I saw her, she smiled and waved to me. She has never done that before, and I was floored. For the first time in the entire time we've worked together, I actually felt like I was fer friend, but it would be short lived.

 

Saturday comes and I was working but she wasn't. Rather than leaving things as they were (better than ever), stupidly, I got ahead of myself and tried to call her to ask her out to dinner. Once again, I had no clue their breakup was so recent, and that it still bothered her. I asked her out to dinner in the worst way possible--a voice mail. I left the voice mail at 8:00 PM Saturday night, and by midnight, I knew something was wrong. It wasn't until Sunday morning at 9:30 AM when she replied via text message that she might be busy but she'd let me know. I asked her out for Wednesday night because she told me that she is free on Wednesdays after her one class in the morning. She doesn't work on Saturdays during the semester, but I had work Saturday night.

 

Anyway, we both had work on Sunday, and I didn't bring it up at work, but that day I realized I made a big mistake. Rather than her smiling and waving, she avoided me and when we did make eye contact, it looked like she wanted me dead. After work, I called my best friend and talked with him for an hour on the phone asking for advice, and while we were talking, he went on facebook. My best friend played football with this girl's ex-boyfriend, and while on the phone, he told me that their breakup was in fact in mid-August. 

 

At that point in time, I felt like a piece of shit. I knew I needed to apologize, I just didn't want to do it at work. I really needed to say it to her face, alone.

 

Monday comes and we both had work. She still had that look in her eye, and she still didn't know I did not know about her breakup. 

 

Tuesday came and after getting plenty of advice, I was advised to not contact her until Wednesday when she said she would get back to me. I had work on Tuesday, but I was not focused at all and could only think about how I would apologize. I decided to ignore my advice and sent her a text at 9:00 PM that night asking if she had a few minutes on Wednesday to spare so I could stop by to talk. Immediately, she told me she would be very busy on Wednesday which got me really concerned. I wanted to apologize on Wednesday so it could settle down before we both had work on Friday, but I then asked if Thursday was okay, and again, she said she'd be busy. The only time Wednesday she said she would not be busy would be early in the morning, figuring that out of courtesy for her roommates, I'd leave her alone. I told her that it was important and that I needed to speak to her in person. She got nervous and asked if everything was okay, and I told her not really. Besides apologizing, I felt I needed to tell her how I really felt, in that I cared about her, but I did not say it yet. That was all the text messages consisted of for Tuesday night. 

 

Yet another coincidence. Despite taking a full dose of ZzzQuil Tuesday night to help me try to get any sleep, I woke up regardless at 5:30 AM Wednesday morning. Feeling bad that I had made her nervous, I sent a text saying no need to worry, but I had something I needed to tell her and only her. A few minutes later, surprisingly, she replied. She told me that she got the feeling that the conversation would consist of my feelings towards her. She told me she was very much still emotionally involved with her ex-boyfriend and that she had not thought of anyone else yet. She wanted to make that clear, even if that wasn't what I was going to tell her.

 

At that point in time, realizing a text message would be my only chance, I apologized and told her that I had no clue her breakup was so recent and that I felt terrible about everything. I said I was glad she had a good time on Thursday and that it made me feel good I could do that for her. I told her I do care about her and that I felt that she and everyone I work with in our department at our store are good friends to me and that I did not want to jeopardize that or make things awkward in any way.

 

She said it was fine, and not to worry. 

 

I did not expect it to be so easy, but I felt good that things wouldn't be awkward at work at least. 

 

Friday (2 days ago) comes, and things started out smoothly. She even talked to me at work. 

 

It wasn't until Saturday, that I realized that I, in fact, made it awkward. Like I said, things seemed fine, and she talked to me, but I realized that as Friday night went on, I tried one time to many to start a conversation. I realized immediately that I had bothered her. I spent so much time worrying that things would be awkward despite her telling me things were fine, that I made things awkward without realizing it. 

 

So today comes and my game plan was to not try to talk to her at all unless I needed her help at work. When I walked into the store, I went to the manager's clipboard to see what register I'd be going into. I had checked the schedule last night to see if I was relieving someone who was going home, but no one was leaving at the time I was scheduled to come in. That means I needed to ask someone where I was going. At 2:00 PM today, it was very busy, and our manager was on break. I knew this because I saw her sitting in her van out in the parking lot, as she usually does on her break. That means that the only two people I could ask were either the person working at the desk or the self checkout attendant (her). The person working at the desk had a line of customers and was busy, so I realized I'd have to ask her where I'd be going. I brought the clipboard over to her and asked if she knew where I'd be going. She told me to check the other clipboard which shows where cashiers work by the hour, and see where this woman was working because she had left work early. So, I went and saw that it was register 4. 

 

At this point in time, I looked up and made eye contact with her. She gave me this look like I was worthless and beneath her. I paused for a second, before telling her it was register 4. I will never forget that look though. For the rest of my shift today, I re-evaluated where I really stood with her. 

 

This is what I realized. I did something nice for her. Then I took it too far without knowing what I was doing. I apologized. She forgave me. I made things awkward when I didn't want it to be. She gave me that look.

 

That look is what really bothers me. She knows I care about her and I don't want things to be awkward, even though I did last night. The look told me that I was worthless to her and that I am beneath her. 

 

People that know me well know that I am respectful and that I can tolerate a lot. I don't care what people think. People are entitled to their own opinion. But to look at someone like they are worthless is what really bothers me. 

 

I haven't felt inspired or motivated since high school when I was motivated by fear of not meeting expectations. When I graduated high school, I realized that I didn't care anymore. I lost the motivation to work hard, and so I began to drift. I did what I needed to to get by in college, and I just graduated in May. So, for five years, I haven't been motivated, inspired, dedicated, or whatever you want to call it, but now I am. 

 

I know she is going through a hard time, but I really was led to believe that she might actually like me. I have always been friendly and polite, and after only doing something nice for her and telling her how I really felt, all of a sudden, I am worthless and beneath her?

 

After leaving that voice mail asking her out to dinner, I realized a few days later that she'll never look at me the same again. The day after we went to the bar (last Friday) was the only time I felt I was her friend, or maybe a good friend. That lasted for one day. Since then, and even after apologizing to her, things have not even been the way they were before all this happened. 

 

And again, to be looked at like I am worthless. Maybe I deserve that. My plan for today was to not talk to her at all so that by this Friday, we could have a normal conversation again because we are both scheduled for closing. As of now, I don't think I even want to talk to her. I don't even see myself as her friend anymore. That look she gave me lasted a few seconds, but it felt like longer than that. The message was clear though. I don't think I can call her a friend anymore. 

 

So now I feel inspired again. Since apologizing and telling her how I really felt, I spent this week trying to make myself better everyday. I started eating healthy and got a gym membership again. Then today came. As of right now, I feel inspired to work hard to reach my goals again that I had let get away from me the past five years. 

 

Even though I knew that I'd never be more than a friend to her all the time I've worked with her, it's hard to deal with not realizing the kind of person I thought I knew and had feelings for. 

 

So, during the past 12 days, I have felt as good and as bad as I've ever felt, and even though it hurts right now, I have regained my inspiration to work hard again. 

 

This girl is only one of two that I have ever felt I could really care about and love. To be so dead wrong about her is what surprises me the most. I only had good intentions, but I guess an act of kindness doesn't mean much anymore. I made a mistake based off a lack of knowledge, and I was forgiven. But to not even be seen as a friend anymore is what I never would have thought would happen. 

 

Ignoring me would have sent the message, but to look at me like I am worthless and beneath her means much more and shows intent. 

 

I know that with good comes bad in life, and even though it is hard to give up on four years of feelings towards someone, I now feel motivated again. For the last five years, I haven't really cared about anything. Now I do, and my life is better because of it. 

[Damage_inc-]

slow your roll .she must think your stalking her,if she likes you she will contact you when the time is rite

[hxtr]

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend like 3 months ago and she was devastated for months... until they got back together. When you been with someone for a period of time and that ends... it takes a long time for some to even consider seeing anyone else.

 

In my opinion if she did start seeing you it would be a rebound type things. It's way too soon for her to be jumping into a new relationship.

 

In the work place I have a few rules but one I have maintained and have only broken 1 time. Don't have a relationship with anyone at work. Most likely it will turn out bad one way or another and if it does not work out that awkward thing you keep talking about happens. BTW that awkward thing because it did not work out just happened.

 

Another rule I have in the communication department is unless the other person 100% understands your context... don't send them an emotional text message. The problem with texting emotional things.. you don't give yourself enough time to think and you just MUST send that message when you should of waited.

 

My advice is to completely ignore the situation. Treat her like you always have showing her that their is now problem. It will help you and her by doing that.

 

Good luck!!! and stay motivated.

[loaderXI]

Well the way I see it is you tested the water and its a lil murky right now.....Kindness is gratitude so I say just be who you are and don,t

make it a point to focus it all on her... Flip the Script

[RANDALL]

@@hxtr I had the same mentality of not dating anyone you work with. Everything happened so fast the past couple of weeks. Right now it's just a cluster fuck. 

[hxtr]

It may seem a cluster fuck right now but I bet if you could look at it from the outside in you probably could see somethings you might be missing.

 

The worst thing in my opinion is you lose or change your job. Don't quite your job! It's just the worst I can see from this. All else if fixable even if avoidance is needed and your pride stays hurt.

 

You sound like a great guy. I think it's great you would try and befriend/date her. You didn't do anything wrong in them regards. I also think it's great you were so considerate to her and respected her feeling like asking for advice from your friend(s), having a heart, caring about her and having a conscious about it all. That to me is great and them attributes will be put to good use someday.

 

Since you were not privy to what was or is going on in her head and details about her relationship..... that screwed things up. She needed that friend you were to her that night and then for her it got weird. Reason I say that....

 

You said you were not even sure you both were friends. You both went out and she was willing to be friends.... or was she?

 

A huge learning experience you have on your hands. Try and think about it like that.

[little_old_man]

Dating somebody you work with is a double edged sword. Before I met my current wife I was married for 2 years to a young woman that I hired. It was a disaster before we married and a disaster after. We even continued to work together while we were broken up for a year before we were married.

 

Unless one person is planning on leaving the job (which it sounds like she has because of school) then I don't think dating a co-worker is a great idea.

 

Some women loved to be chased and others hate it. It sounds like she is perfectly happy with you being in the "friend zone" for now so if you push too hard you will probably push her away. Take it very slow and learn to recognize the signs if she isn't interested in your romantically. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a broken heart.

[JohnnyDos]

 

Edited September 15, 2014 by JohnnyDos

[Giggles]

not all girls are so heartless and one day you will find the other half of yourself don't let this one person make u bitter . Hell I dated my boss and even married him. Set her free and if it's meant to be she will come back to u

[7Toes]

damn you kids have to much time on your hands and worry about everything at your age i was working my ass off to support myself and keep a roof over my head and food and beer in the house beer first then food lol you are young by the way you talk there will be plenty of women out there you will be able to connect with and maybe find the one

[RANDALL]

Here's an update. Today she posts a picture on facebook of her ex-boyfriend saying she's proud he's doing so well in rehab and that even she didn't think he had it in him. I know damn well she wanted me to see that. So, I went ahead and liked the post because I just want her to be happy. I even sent a text message two hours ago saying I'm glad he's doing so well and I wish him a full recovery. @@loaderXI You are so right. Kindness is gratitude. She hasn't responded to the text yet, and I logged into facebook and saw she was online on her phone. All of a sudden she goes offline. She probably thinks I'm a lying son of a bitch. Too bad I've only been kind at work and haven't given off the impression of being an asshole. She probably doesn't know how to handle it. Common courtesy would be to at least say thank you. Maybe she deleted my phone number. 

[codpiece]

Randall my friend, you need to drop the idea of this girl quickly. If a woman you are interested in causes this much irritation, anger, angst, suffering, embarrassment, then it is time to move on. Move on buddy, this is wasting your time and energy and feelings. It's not going to get any better with this one. 

[Grumpy_Git]

Randall, the older you get the wiser you will become, or more resilient.

 

The problem with texting, posting or even just writing, they are open to interpretation.

 

You cannot ree the emotion on the faces, hear the tone of the voice or hear the inflection of the words.

 

Too often people read between the lines and imagine something else is meant.

 

Chin up, plenty more fish in the sea.

[mouselad]

She over reacted to you asking her to dinner. I've gone to dinner with many friends, but she may have realized that you liked her and didn't want to give you false hope. But by the way you posted about her you were probably giving off signals that you wanted to be more than friends, and she probably wasn't interested in that to begin with.

 

You seemed to have let yourself get to emotionally involved and built her up on this pedastool without even really knowing her.

[RANDALL]

I have moved on. I don't care what happens now. I don't have a problem with her. She seems to have one with me. I won't quit my job or anything. This Friday will be interesting.

[hxtr]

Good Luck Randall... it will all be good. Just play it smart.

[RANDALL]

Thanks. From 10:00-11:00 PM on Friday, it will be just me and her. I'm not going to say a single word. We'll see what happens. I'll be sure to let you all know.

[billyblade]

just be semi interested and somewhat aloof, but nice and cordial, regarding her deal. Some women love to be with the bad boy and a good thing staring them in the face scares the hell out of them, or they liken your sincerity and niceness as some kind of weakness. Best thing to do is look for another. There are millions of women out there....literally millions, and the one you deserve wont play so many mind games or make you chase so hard..then youll know. If its a struggle to obtain it will be even more of a struggle to keep. She obviously still feels for her ex and if you were lucky enough to hookup you would always have to worry about her running back to him and dogging you out in the process. Good luck Randall, and try to take it all in stride. One woman in life, at your age, is DEFINITELY not worth the emotional turmoil.

[Pharticus]

Randall, you don't know what she is thinking and you don't know what "the look" meant.  Speculation will destroy a relationship.  When in doubt, ask.

[RANDALL]

I kind of get the feeling now that she didn't reply to the text message about wishing her ex-boyfriend well because maybe I'm an asshole for bothering her. Either way I'm keeping my mouth shut Friday.

[hxtr]

I think it would be so cool if you go on Friday and treat her with the respect you would show anyone.

 

Don't take back the friendship you offered.... because it looks selfish. Go back to the way it was.

 

Go to work on Friday AND be happy. It will make you feel better about this. It might even make her feel better about this.

 

Not too late to do the right thing.. again.

 

 

[Wild Fire]

Hxtr is correct.

 

Go into work, be yourself. Talk to her a bit, ask her how school is going, what are the courses she is taking, which one is her favorite, has there been a lot if homework. Idle chit chat etc. Be friendly, but not over the top friendly. Don't push.

 

Do not go into work with the attitude that she thinks you are an asshole. Never ever EVER assume/guess what women are feeling and thinking You will be wrong most of the time. If you want to know what she thinks, Ask!

 

 

Ignoring her and not talking to her is only going to make it worse. Don't send her anymore text messages until you can have the kind of face to face conversations friends have. Like was mentioned, texts, emails, and FB posts are often misinterpreted.

 

Talk to the girl as a friend, don't ignore her.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Wild Bill

[RANDALL]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don't have a lot of relationship experience because my mindset has always been to not get distracted until I graduate college. So, here I am. I appreciate the insight!

[eidolonFIRE]

avoid a drama queen....  you will only get drama.

 

Also... don't be the rebound guy. It never lasts.

 

Sorry to be a wet blanket lol.

[RANDALL]

Tonight ended up going really well. I'm glad.