Some 75 funny Quotes

[KaptCrunch]

I thought Europe was a country.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared thier independence from it.

It id better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.

The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won't get much sleep.

I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I won't go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I've ever felt to home.

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.

Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.

mad wife to be: if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
husband to be: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Surely nothing could be that funny.

Superman don't need no seat belt...
Superman don't need no airplane either.

The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.

So I guess your long hair makes you a woman....
So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.

Mr.Barrymore, I'm never going to act with you again....
replied: My dear, you still haven't.

Everyone knows I never read comics....
That explains Batman.

That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife's behind...
So it does!

Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for the ladies around the world?....
May all your dreams come true.

You know there's a problem when you realize that out of the three R's, only one begins with an R.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune;tolose both looks like carelessness.

He has Van Gogh's; ear for music.

She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.

Can you imagine a world without men?; No crime and lots of happy fat woman.

Start every day with a smile and get over it.

I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she's the Miranda of her crew.

Want to know what God thinks of money?; Look at the people he gave it to.

Karaoke is the; great equalizer.

I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it; look before they cross the road.

The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.

By all means let's be open-mined, but not so open-mined that our brains drop out.

He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eye's.

I've come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in thier mouths.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

My advice to you is get married:If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

Life in Lubbock, Texas; taught me that sex is the most awful; filthy thing on earth and should save it for someone you love.

Instead of getting married again; I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Part of[$10 million]went for gambling, horses, and woman;  the rest I spent foolishly.

I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food; He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

Her only flair is in nostrils.

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He is a self-made man and worships his creater.

People who think they know everything are a annoyance to those of us who do.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Cats are smarter then dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull sled through snow.

Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.

Why beer is better then wine; human feet aren't used making beer.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take out the garbage out.

The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

the difference between fiction and reality?; Fiction has to make sense.

Be careful about reading health books; you mat die of a misprint.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good".

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb....and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.

He duffers from delusions of adequacy.

Critics are like eunuchs in harem; they know how it's done, they seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

The trouble with this countryis that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is.....".

"But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were eight."....."Yes," said Mozart. "But I never asked anybody".