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STARPICKET

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  1. Haha
    STARPICKET got a reaction from NuTzOpaNts in STARPICKET 80th birthday to day   
    Thanks Guys, tried to drink one beer for each year but lost track some where along the way!
  2. Like
    STARPICKET got a reaction from HellKid in STARPICKET 80th birthday to day   
    Thanks Guys, tried to drink one beer for each year but lost track some where along the way!
  3. Like
    STARPICKET got a reaction from 24oz in STARPICKET 80th birthday to day   
    Thanks Guys, tried to drink one beer for each year but lost track some where along the way!
  4. Haha
    STARPICKET got a reaction from KaptCrunch in STARPICKET 80th birthday to day   
    Thanks Guys, tried to drink one beer for each year but lost track some where along the way!
  5. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Krackennutz in Tree Hugger   
    A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

    As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

    In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

    And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

  6. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Ricko in Snow man   
  7. Haha
    STARPICKET reacted to KaptCrunch in Strip Tease   
  8. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to EastCoast50 in After a night of drinking   
    There's two things I have to do after a long night of drinking at the local bar ...
    Find my truck and take back the one I took.
     
  9. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in Rubber Company   
    Struthers was assigned to show an important stockholder around the rubber goods factory. The woman nodded approvingly when shown the giant machine which spit out an endless stream of rubber nipples.
    “One of our steady sellers, a lot of babies being born these days,” Struthers explained.
    Not much later the stockholder inquired as to the functions of another huge machine spitting out little rubber discs. “Condoms,” Struthers informed her. “Big sellers, too.”
    “Understandably,” she commented. “But why’s that needle coming down and punching a little hole in every other one?”
    “Well,” he whispered conspiratorially, “we can’t let the nipple business go downhill, now can we?”
  10. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in the Ex   
    One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
    After a long period of silence she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...”And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod?
    Dick got a horrified look on his face.
    She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
    He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
    “Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
    Dick replied, “I wasn’t...”
  11. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to mrq in Mouth masks for women   

  12. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in The Church Gossip   
    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
    Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
    She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
    He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
    He said nothing.
    Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
  13. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in mechanic   
    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and was able to complete the exam with tremendous skill.
    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%! Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark.
    You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark.”
    After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I’ve never seen done before in my entire career!”
  14. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to RobMc in RollsRoyce   
    A young teenager, earns extra pocket money by cleaning golfers cars at the local club while they're playing, one Saturday a regular golfer pulls up in a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom. Excited, the boy rushes up and asks if he can clean the already immaculate car, taking pity on him the golfer agrees. he shows him around, proud of his new car, points out the massaging seats, variable ride height, bar, satcoms, tv's etc etc etc, tells him to be careful and goes for his round of golf.
    When he returns the car is even more immaculate and he gives the boy a tip above his normal fee, the boy is clearly embarassed and produces this small bit of plastic :-
    'I found it in the boot, I hope I haven't broken anything', said the boy
    'The golfer laughs', no that's just a tee
    'What's a tee' asks the boy
    'It's for resting your balls on', replies the golfer
    The boy looks amazed ' Fuck me' he says 'Rolls Royce think of everything'?
  15. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Angelz in Boobs and Willies...   
    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
    This infuriated his wife and daughter.
    The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
    The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
    “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
    “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
  16. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in Traffic stop   
    I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
    and all just because of a stupid police officer...
    The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
    Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
    Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
    Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
    Me: "A car."
    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
    Me:"I have no idea!"
    Officer:"So, you're drunk."
    Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
    Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
    Me:"A motorcycle."
    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
    Me:"I have no idea!"
    Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
    Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
    Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
    Officer:"A prostitute of course."
    Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
    Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
  17. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in Honeymoon   
    Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Great from beginning to end”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
    The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes to read from the pack: “Super strong King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter ... the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
    Mum waited for a week, Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “. Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ. ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.’
    MUM FAINTED!!!
  18. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in lawyer   
    For three years, the young attorney had been taking his vacations at this country inn. The previous year he’d finally managed to close the deal with the innkeeper’s daughter.
    Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
    “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
    Well” she said “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
  19. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to LOCO in Did you know ?????   
    Lol

  20. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to tsw 8.5 in A short love story   
    A man and women who had never met before.     They were both married to other people and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.   Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower berth.   At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying ‘Ma’am I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket.   I’m awfully cold.’   ‘I have a better idea’ she replied.  ‘Just for tonight let’s pretend we are married.’   ‘Wow that’s a great idea’ he exclaimed.   ‘Good,’” she replied.    ‘Get your own damn blanket.’   After a moment of silence, ……………he farted.   The End
  21. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in Fight   
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
    After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
    She says, “I was in bed.”
    “In bed this early, doing what?”
    “Getting a second opinion!”
  22. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to LOCO in Little Johnny   
    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
  23. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to Dogg in Golfing   
    A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.”
    She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7, you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf.
    On the back nine he got lost again.
    He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”
    She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14. You are on 13.”
    Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
    When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
    As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?”
    She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said “I sell tampons.”
    He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
    She said “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.” He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”
  24. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to FUNky in Rust Players can Relate   
    Me:  Shit, I’m full dead!
    Teammate:  Hurry up and get back over here, I’m keeping them away from your body!
    Me: I’m on the way!
     

  25. Like
    STARPICKET reacted to AthenA in How to measure things like a Canadian   
    I just laughed out loud because... I'm not proud to say it, but it's so true ! 
     
     

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