Lizard Birth

[Bushape]

Lizard Birth   If you have raised kids (or been one), and   gone through the pet syndrome, including   toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the   story below will have you laughing out LOUD!   Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to   the vet.   Here's what happened:   Just after dinner one night, my son came   up to tell me there was 'something wrong'   with one of the two lizards he holds   prisoner in his room.   'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told   me. 'I'm Ssrious, Dad. Can you help?'   I put my best lizard-healer expression on   my face and followed him into his bedroom.     One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking   stressed. I immediately knew what to do.   'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'   'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's   having babies.'   'What?' my son demanded. 'But their   names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'   I was equally outraged.   'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said   we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said   accusingly to my wife.   'Well, what do you want me to do, post a   sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think   she actually said this sarcastically!)   'No, but you were supposed to get two     boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving,     calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).   'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.   'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some     guys, you know,' she informed me (again       with the sarcasm)!   By now the rest of the family had gathered     to see what was going on. I shrugged,     deciding to make the best of it.   'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous     experience,' I announced. 'We're about to     witness the miracle of birth.'   'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.      'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we       going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard     babies?' my wife wanted to know.   We peered at the patient. After much      struggling, what looked like a tiny foot      would appear briefly, vanishing a scant   second later.   'We don't appear to be making much   progress,' I noted.     'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified   'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.   'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in   and grabbed the foot when it next   appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times   with the same results.   'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter   wanted to know.  Maybe they could talk us   through the trauma.' (You see a pattern   here with the females in my house?)   'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.   We drove to the vet with my son holding   the cage in his lap.   'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.   'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother   noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to   their own young. I mean, what she does to   me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)   The vet took Ernie back to the examining   room and peered at the little animal   through a magnifying glass.   'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I   suggested scientifically.   'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr.   And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you   privately for a moment?'   I gulped, nodding for my son to step   outside.   'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.   'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This   lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER   going to happen.  Ernie is a boy. You see,     Ernie is a young male. And occasionally as   they come into maturity, like most male   species, they um . . um . . masturbate.   Just the way he did, lying on his back.'  He   blushed, glancing at my wife.   We were silent, absorbing this.   'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife   offered.   'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we   understood.   More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife   started to giggle. And giggle. And then   even laugh loudly.   'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,   but not believing that the woman I married   would commit the upcoming affront to my   flawless manliness.   Tears were now running down her face. 'It's   just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on   its . . its. . . teeny little . . . '  She gasped   for more air to bellow in laughter once   more.   'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.   'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.   'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.   Two lizards: $140.   One cage: $50.   Trip to the vet: $30.   Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!   Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.   Lizards lay eggs!

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