Kansas88 Posted November 8, 2011 Member ID: 2904 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 15 Topic Count: 81 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 157 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 159 Achievement Points: 1944 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/17/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: June 24, 2024 Birthday: 07/31/1969 Posted November 8, 2011 "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing > kick. > > Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild. > > Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this > stuff? You could remove > dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to > put the flames out. > I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight > jalapeno tang. > > Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to > be taken seriously. > > > Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. > I'm not sure what I'm > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off > two people who wanted > to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush > in more beer when > they saw the look on my face. > > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > Needs more beans. > > Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use > of peppers. > > Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium > spill. My nose feels like > I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine > by now. Get me more > beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the > back, now my backbone is > in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting > shit-faced from all of > the beer. > > > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic > > Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. > Disappointing. > > Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side > dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my > tongue, but was unable to > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? > Sally, the barmaid, was > standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 > pound bitch is starting > to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm > eating. Is chili an > aphrodisiac? > > > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers > freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > > Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more > tomato. Must admit > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off > my forehead and I > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four > people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I > told her that her > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my > tongue from bleeding by > pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I > wonder if I'm burning my > lips off. It really pisses me off that the other > judges asked me to stop > screaming. Screw those rednecks! > > > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. > Good balance of spices > and peppers. > > Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, > onions, and garlic. > Superb. > > Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe > filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm > worried it will eat > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand > behind me except that > slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. > Can't feel my lips > anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. > > > Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili > > Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on > canned peppers. > > Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally > threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note > that I am worried > about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of > distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > > Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull > the pin, and I > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, > and the world sounds > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is > covered with chili, which > slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full > of lava-like shit to > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll > know what killed > me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. > Screw it; I'm not > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just > suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? Awards
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