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And On The Menu Today We Have... A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50. Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50. Hand Job: - $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad. That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis." The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge. The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

One day the Teacher was teaching her class of city kids about Farm Tools. She held up a shovel and asked the class if any one knew what it was, no one did, except for Little Johnny, he said "Teacher, thats a shovel". So next she held up a rake and asked the class if any one knew what it was, no one did , except for Little Johnny, he said "Teacher, thats a rake". "Very good Little Johnny " said the teacher. Then she held up a hoe, and asked the class if any one knew what it was, no on knew, not even Little Johnny. So the Teacher told the class "This class, is a Hoe". "IT CANT BE" cried Little Johnny. Yes, this is a hoe said the teacher. "IMPOSSIBLE" said Little Johnny. Why is it impossible for this to be a hoe asked the teacher? To which Little Johnny replied,"Both my sisters, they's Ho's, and they dont look anything like that!!!

The doctor said to the housewife,"I've got good news and I've got bad news.The good news is you don't have PMS.The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Perks of being over 50... 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?" He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear." She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?" "I think I did a damn good job!"

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader. As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and Said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" . . . "You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... NO, The duck didn't say THAT ! ... Don't be SO disgusting! The duck said.... 'I am a DRAKE You made a MaSTAKE!!

This came from the Umatilla County Sherriff's Office. Yes it is real. A guy came into the PD the other day to ask a favor. He had a S&W 629 (44 Mag.) that he wanted to dispose of after a mishap at the range. He said there was a loud bang when he tested his new ammo, (Chinese made), and the gun smacked him in the forehead, leaving a nice gash. When the tweety birds cleared, this is what he saw ... Bet he never uses Chinese made Ammo again!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads. 6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders. 7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss. 8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung. 9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint. 10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI. 11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month. 12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. 15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes. 16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. 17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned. They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either." said St. Peter. "You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously... "It's not looking good for us Dick."

Ok sounds good to me LMAO

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill. Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change." "Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector. "While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked. Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what?" asked the collector. "A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance. "What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked. "Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle. "Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked. "Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said. Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?" "...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet." "SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?" Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

The Geography of a Woman ------------------------ Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really). After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. The Geography of a Man ------------------------ Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Men vs Women RELATIONSHIPS First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. SEX Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay. MATURITY Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. HATS Women look good in hats; men look like idiots. GROCERIES A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. MAGAZINES Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. COMEDY Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just to too cute. 5. This diamond is just way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches. 2. Does this make my butt look too small?? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again..

Great grandfathers watched as their friends and sons died in the Civil War. My father watched as his friends died in WW II. And I watched as my friends died in Vietnam . None of them died for the Mexican Flag. Many died for the U.S. flag. Texas high school students raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole, other students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down! California high school students were sent home on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the U.S. flag printed on them. Enough is enough. This message needs to be viewed by every U.S. Citizen; and every U.S. Citizen needs to stand up for the USA. We've bent over to appease the USA-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.. I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. flag. If you agree, stand up with me.. If you disagree, please let me know. I will gladly remove you from my e-mail list. And shame on anyone who tries to make this message racist. U.S. Citizens, stop giving away Your RIGHTS! Let me make this clear! THIS IS MY/OUR COUNTRY! This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration! YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY/OUR COUNTRY, welcome to come legally: 1. Get a sponsor! 2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past ! 3. Live by OUR rules! 4. Get a job! 5. Pay YOUR Taxes! 6. No Social Security until you have earned it and paid for it ! 7. NOW find a place to lay your head! If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM ! We've gone so far the other way . . . bent over backwards not to offend anyone. Only U.S. Citizens seems to care when U.S. Citizens are being offended ! WAKE UP USA ! ! ! ! "Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people." Theodore Roosevelt 1907

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred. So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles." He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed. "Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio." So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong. So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon." After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did. The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell! *sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in your box!!!" Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."