Chili Cook-off

[Kansas88]

CHILI COOK-OFF

EDITORIAL: If you can read the whole story without
tears of laughter
running down your cheeks then there's no hope for
you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.

Houstonians actually have a Chili cook-off about the
time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the
parking lot at the
astrodome.

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards
from the event:


> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
> kick.
>
> Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this
> stuff? You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
> put the flames out.
> I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
> be taken seriously.
>
>
> Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children.
> I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
> in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
>
> Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
> of peppers.
>
> Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> spill. My nose feels like
> I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
> by now. Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is
> in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting
> shit-faced from all of
> the beer.
>
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
>
> Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
> Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300
> pound bitch is starting
> to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating. Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
> my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
> people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
> wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
> judges asked me to stop
> screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
>
> Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe
> filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> Can't feel my lips
> anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> canned peppers.
>
> Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
> that I am worried
> about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
> and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with chili, which
> slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
> of lava-like shit to
> match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
> know what killed
> me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful.
> Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
> suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?