Super Max

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies. If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas. Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'

SkunK|NL You are a funny guy judge so keep posting jokes I love jokes Peter, an 82 year-old man, went to see Doctor Lucan to have a full physical check-up. A few days later, Dr Lucan saw Peter walking through the village with a stunning young woman on his arm. The doctor turned to Peter and spoke quietly, but clearly, 'You're really doing well, aren't you?' Peter smiled happily, 'Oh yes, but I'm only doing what you said, Doc, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." ' Dr Lucan grimaced and retorted, 'I didn't say that, Peter. I said, "You've got a heart murmur; be careful." '

Naked Man Arrested for Shouting at Trees A German man has been arrested after a marriage guidance counsellor advised him to run around naked shouting at trees. Dieter Braun, 43, from Recklinghausen said the stress release technique had worked perfectly until he was arrested. He told police that venting his anger on the trees had stopped him shouting at his wife. 'If I didn't go to the woods and scream at the trees then my marriage would probably be over, 'he said. He added taking his clothes off at the same time made him feel more relaxed. 'For me it's a type of relaxation therapy. Feeling the breeze on my naked skin really calms me down.' But local police said other visitors to the forest did not find his behaviour relaxing and have now charged him with causing a public nuisance.

Cheese - More of an android problem Basicly...the phone went into my pocket and i went to bring up my contacts to make a call and the contacts are gone..i thought the phone reset itself but Music ect was all there...anyone have a soloution on how to fix this? I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

It could also be that fat people not read the recipes. : P A Generous Diet Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry. As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error. There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.

Bushape OK. lmao. My mother was overweight and my sisters and I get damn disgusted of fat people. My wifes family had plenty. I told her when we got married, no fatties. Not that I would dump her for being fat, I would of course help her stay normal, which 5'4" 110 lbs. There is no such thing as big boned, my mother used that excuse. Do a search and you will see. I don't care if someone is overweight, that is their problem not mine. When it becomes my problem is when people can't be fair about it. Like the people not wanting to pay for an extra seat. I have no problem if someone wants to stay overweight either. Like I said as long as it doesn't become my problem. Just be honest about it and don't try to make excuses like so many of them do. I am not putting anybody down or disrespecting anybody here. So please don't take it that way. I could stand to lose a few pounds myself. But I am honest about it. Be honest with yourself first, the rest will come later. Well said. Too many fat people say they have nothing to do but that's bullshit. Nobody born'm fat. Healthy eating no fat and all moving well do wonders. No hamburgers for dinner with chips and Coca Cola for breakfast

Beware Drunks on The Roof! So it'll be safe to drive on the road!

lol Gorilla XI

An Excerpt taken from the "Irish Army Camouflage Manual"An Excerpt taken from the "Irish Army Camouflage Manual" When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage. ………………………And There's More…………… Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman's outfitters and asks, 'Do you sell camouflage jackets?' 'Yes, indeed,' replies the salesman, unfortunately we can't find them.'

Drop Dead Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan. He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door. Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Learn to Read the Signs Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections. One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well. Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?' Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

Response to a woodland fire in the south of France's Cote d' Azur was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology in the newspaper Le Monde. Two specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire extinguishing all the flames. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes of the fire.' The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and flippers.'

In Warsaw, Poland, Solly visits his rabbi and complains, 'Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?' The rabbi answers, 'Take your goat into the room with you.' Solly is incredulous, 'What?' but the rabbi insists, 'Do as I say and come back in a week.' A week later Solly comes back looking even more distraught than before, 'We cannot stand it,' Solly explains to the rabbi, 'the goat is filthy.' The rabbi then tells Solly, 'Go home and let the goat out. Come back in a week.' Solly, now radiant, returns to the rabbi a week later, exclaiming, 'Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat; only the nine of us.'

The Lady and The Lavatory or Water Closet (WC) Many years ago, remember Will and Guy, you couldn't count on a public toilet facility when travelling either at home or abroad. This true, short and funny story is about an English woman who was planning a trip of a lifetime to India. She had booked in to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In Britain, a bathroom is occasionally called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". This, rather genteel lady wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the WC. The school master who was not very fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

Reassess Your Computer Interactions It's time to reassess your relationship with your computer when ..... You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop at the computer to check your email on the way back to bed. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. When you hand-write a note and think... SPELL CHECKER'! You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. When your computer's email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask. Your family always knows where you are. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL' If your computer's internet connection goes down, you cannot settle to any other tasks. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

10 Laws of Computing If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Going on Holiday with the Family? Take Your Computer? Here, above a boy's starts his tortuous career in computing Same 'Boy', Same Computer Six Years Later!

Update and corrections supplied by Grant Semmens I am Welsh. Our language, Cymraeg, has the occasional hat on top of a letter, for example my sister is called Siân. Now English is one of the few European languages without graves or accents; so it is likely that England is where the urban myth that Alt Gr means Alternative Grave originated. As Celts, we Welsh are aware that our continental cousins use these extra letters, for example á or é or ó. My point is that if you need an accented vowel, then either, you need to add letters from the Symbols font - cumbersome, or alternatively, remember that alt 144 means É. Note this time I mean the left, plain, Alt key and not the right Alt Gr (Confusing isn't it!) From my cousins across the pond in America, I hear that Spanish is big in some neighbourhoods so presumably Spanish Americans occasionally employ accented letters. So in a nutshell, the Alternative Grave myth is wrong. To prove it, go to the keyboard, hold down the right hand Alt Gr and type a vowel. Result á é í ó ú. These characters are actually the acute form of the letter. The grave has the accent sloping the other way à è ì. Conclusion Alt is indeed an abbreviation of Alternative, however 'Gr' may well stand for Graphics in the sense of special characters such as á é. Grant has convinced me that Gr has nothing to do with grave as that accent slopes the other way. Funnily enough, Alt Gr only appears on English, English keyboards, and seems absent on American English keyboards. Further Research If you are interested in Diacritics, as these strange symbols are called, navigate this path: Start, Programs, Accessories, System Tools has a Character map. Well worth a visit should you wish to check the precise alt + number value of any symbol, not just the graves. For example â is alt + 0226 (Num Lock On, and press the numeric keyboard value).

Bushape Funny shit Judge. Nobody can tell you to quit posting anything. There area few things that do get annoying but this is a almost free website. Unless Rugger pulls your plug, then don't worry about what other people think. And if Rugger is pulling your plug then enjoy it. I heard that he does like reach arounds. That may get you posting again. The story about the donkey and the husband computer shit was great. Good thinking. You must be bored as hell on vacation. Find some rich widow and have fun, instead of spending your time with us. Damn enjoy life a little bit. I have a beautiful intelligent woman and two wonderful children. So I do not need a rich widow. I'm already rich. I now have much time because it rains a lot

Dial Tone Tech Support: 'Thank you for calling. May I have your phone number beginning with area code first, please?' There was a pregnant pause, then a series of touch tones. Tech Support: 'Hello? I need your phone number, please'. More touch tones. Tech Support: 'Hi, can you hear me?' Customer: 'Yes.' Tech Support: 'Great, then can you please tell me your phone number so I can pull up your file?' More touch tones. Tech Support: 'Sir, what's your name?' Customer: Malcolm Tech Support: 'Great, now can you tell me your phone number?' Touch tones again. Tech Support: 'Please, tell me your phone number.' Customer: 'Again?' Tech Support: 'Yes sir, if you don't mind, but can you please just tell me verbally?' Touch tones yet again. Tech Support: 'Sir, contrary to popular opinion, support is not half machine. I'll need you to verbally tell me your phone number with your mouth so I can bring up your account info, got it?' Customer: 'You people are rude as well as incompetent.'

Touch and Go Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Circular argument Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? Local difficulty Customer: My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in. Advisor: Has he forgotten it? Customer: No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him. Language difficulty Customer: 'How do you spell 'Internet America' ? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net' ?' Tech Support: 'No space between 'inter' and 'net' . It's spelled normally.' Customer: 'Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?' Tech Support: 'That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A.' Customer: 'I-C-K???' Tech Support: 'A as in apple' Customer: 'There's no 'K' in apple!' No comment Customer: I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone number?

Amusing Password Logic During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Step 1... Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into the computer yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....