Some Irish Jokes (St. Paddy's day is Coming)

[pwrcrzy52]

 Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
 Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
 the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
 playing standing up.
 Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
 Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
 They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
 discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is
 me middle name. Leave it to me.'
 Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
 answers, and asks what he wants.
 Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
 home.'
 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 
 
 Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
 by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and
 bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
 'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have
 had something in his hand.'
 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
 he gave me with it.'
 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
 something in your hand?'
 That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it
 was; but useless in a fight.'
 
 
 An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
 one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
 A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
 been?'
 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
 evening.'
 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across
 his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
 gone deaf.'
 
 
 
 Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
 she's in tears.
 He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
 She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
 night.'
 The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
 last requests?'
 She says, 'That he did, Father.'
 The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
 She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
 AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
 
 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
 down, but says nothing.
 The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues
 to sit there.
 Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
 The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
 either.
 "Happy St Pats Day"!

 

 

[Thoksville]

Heheheh! good ones!

 

Here's the best (oldest/worst!) i could find... !

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were sentanced to death by firing squad.
Paddy Englishman was first. Before they could shoot, he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" and the firing squad ran away.
Paddy Scotsman was next. Before they could shoot, he yelled out "Flood!!!" and the firing squad ran away.
Paddy Irishman was next. Getting the idea he yelled out "Fire!!!".

 

I have a great view of the main parade route from my office, will be sneaking in with some tinnies on the day!!

[PigDog]

Great jokes guys.  I am Irish, so  I like a good Paddy joke, lol.  My family is originally from Cork and Kerry, I think.