pwrcrzy52

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you must have a costume that represents an emotion. The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party. On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny. The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the person in, regardless of their taste in costume. Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it. A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked. "I'm red with anger.," said the woman. The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party. Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. "What are you supposed to be, my pretty?," the man asked. "I'm green,...green with envy.," said the woman. "Quite clever!" said the man. He stepped aside to allow her to enter. Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and In front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of his erect penis stood a pear. "I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger. "That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his cool. "What are you supposed to be?" "The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied, "I'm fucking despair!"

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go." "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first." "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on." Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh!) Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole, in his bib overalls, doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson . Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers . Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. 'What on earth are you doing Ole?' says Sven. 'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor ."

Six Truths in Life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility. 2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it. 3. And discover #1 is a lie. 4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned. Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about tenyears from now."

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker. He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey. Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule. It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions. The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?" "Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass." The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else. He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street. He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost." The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!" At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant. He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town. The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?" The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter." The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

Why is it a driveway at your house and a parkway on the road

Didn't break 100

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his cock. A woman walks past and says a bit snidely, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it'd lift itself."

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!" The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy. The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Thanks for the fix

Hall of Stupidity Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity: 1. A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a happy meal. 3. A few beers short of a six pack. 4. A few peas short of a casserole. 5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. 7. One taco short of a combination plate. 8. A few feathers short of a duck. 9. All foam, no beer. 10. The cheese slid off his cracker. 11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 17. As smart as bait. 18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash. 19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 20. He forgot to pay his brain bill. 21. Her sewing machines out of thread. 22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels. 23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops. 24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse. 25. Receiver is off the hook. 26. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 27. Skylight leaks a little. 28. Slinkys kinked. 29. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 30. One board short of a porch.

What Men Know Here are the top ten things that men know about women! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted... "Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up.. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him,"Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question. "What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?" The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it." The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it." The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security." Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!'"