Kansas88

Insane Motor Race - Isle of Man TT The Isle of Man TT was for many years the most prestigious motor-cycle race in the world. Between 1907 and 2009 there have been 237 deaths during official practices or races on the Snaefell Mountain Course. Snaefell Mountain Course or Mountain Course is a road-racing circuit used for the Isle of Man TT and Manx Grand Prix Races held in the Isle of Man from 1911 and 1923 respectively. The racing is held on public roads closed for racing by an Act of Tynwald (the parliament of the Isle of Man). It is the oldest motor-cycle racing circuit still in use. The official lap record for the Snaefell Mountain Course is 17 Minutes and 12.30 seconds at an average speed of 131.578 mph (211.754 km/h) set by John McGuinness during the 2009 Senior TT Race.

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn." So they all agreed and went to their rooms. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room." "That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it." So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room." "Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says,"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." She paid it and left without saying a word.

In the back woods of West Virginia, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there' said the doctor, 'don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. ¡Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!' said the doctor. A few minutes later he had delivered another baby girl. 'No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'Ya reckon the light's attractin' em?'

Medical Distinction We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro. Testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me some.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

THE WEDDING NIGHT Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.. Mean Vern, the hand from Texas says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.' Fast Dan, from New Mexico, couldn't stand to be bested... That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot Diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that rattler with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.' Old Roy, the cowboy from Oklahoma, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.' Second guy:'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.' Third guy:'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.' They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?” Fourth guy:'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' And she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football.." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

There was a lady shopping at the local super market where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the best of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you are absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied:"Cause you're ugly."

An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked 'How many?' The cowboy replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.' The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex.' The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal'. Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout..... 'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You've shit the bed!'

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

I was in Starbuck's recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me!! And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod.........

A woman went to her boy-friend's parents' house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boy-friend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp........." The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing > kick. > > Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild. > > Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this > stuff? You could remove > dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to > put the flames out. > I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight > jalapeno tang. > > Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to > be taken seriously. > > > Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. > I'm not sure what I'm > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off > two people who wanted > to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush > in more beer when > they saw the look on my face. > > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > Needs more beans. > > Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use > of peppers. > > Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium > spill. My nose feels like > I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine > by now. Get me more > beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the > back, now my backbone is > in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting > shit-faced from all of > the beer. > > > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic > > Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. > Disappointing. > > Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side > dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my > tongue, but was unable to > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? > Sally, the barmaid, was > standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 > pound bitch is starting > to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm > eating. Is chili an > aphrodisiac? > > > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers > freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > > Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more > tomato. Must admit > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off > my forehead and I > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four > people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I > told her that her > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my > tongue from bleeding by > pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I > wonder if I'm burning my > lips off. It really pisses me off that the other > judges asked me to stop > screaming. Screw those rednecks! > > > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. > Good balance of spices > and peppers. > > Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, > onions, and garlic. > Superb. > > Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe > filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm > worried it will eat > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand > behind me except that > slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. > Can't feel my lips > anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. > > > Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili > > Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on > canned peppers. > > Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally > threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note > that I am worried > about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of > distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > > Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull > the pin, and I > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, > and the world sounds > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is > covered with chili, which > slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full > of lava-like shit to > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll > know what killed > me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. > Screw it; I'm not > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just > suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

PAINFUL CIRCUMCISION Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your *thing* doesn't have any skin on it!" "Of course, not! I've been circumcised." "What does that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said they did it on the eighth day after I was born." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

UnChileno Sorry to burst your BUBBLE..But..We have a kansas88 already.. Well crap, guess i'll have to put in for the UnChileno Clan then my name could be UnChilenoGoRiLLa-_-Kansas88! Then everyone would be associated with last place because of me! Hahahahaha, I'm bringing all ya'll down to my level!

I first introduced myself as GoRiLLa-_- but changed names due to the name Gorilla already being taken and to avoid any further confusion. Besides, I'm pretty sure that the original Gorilla in here wouldn't want to be associated with being at the bottom of the stats at the end of every game LOL! I've been hooked on freeztag since the first time I played and also the site is pretty cool too. I served in Desert Sheild/Storm and served on the Battleship Wisconsin BB-64. I have worked for John Deere Industrial for 20 years. I built my first computer 2 years ago and I'm getting geared up to build another one. I enjoy scuba diving, NAUI, and I'm working on my Dive Master course then Assitant Instructor, I enjoy lake diving over the ocean dives. Being in total darkness and suspended in 70 feet of water gives me a rush that most people would panic in, if you are a fellow diver then you know what I mean. The XI clan seems pretty easy going and so am I. I was a member of a clan several years ago, a couple of Canuks ran it, no offence Canadians eh, they were pretty cool and I hated to see the clan go by the wayside. As most of the regulars in here already know, I don't end up at the top of the list too often, ok, never haha. It's just a game and a way to blow off some steam at the end of a busy day and to chat with friends. My wife always ask me how my day was and along with that she will ask me if I need to go and kill some friends which is her way of saying "Go and shoot some fellow Idiots!"