Kansas88

"Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blond shouts, "fire!!""

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness! That's scary as hell. It means 75% are running around with no medication at all.

At a winery warehouse the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old fella tried it and said, “It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.” “That's correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.” “It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Absolutely correct. A third glass.” He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.” The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The old fella tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

"An Apple fan goes into his usual bar and orders the exact same thing as last time, but this time he paid a little more."

This is hilarious and worth clicking the link and watching the video. At one point the reporter says "She beat that beaver!!" I would have uploaded the video but I couldn't get the code to work so here's the link............... http://bcove.me/sh6krtvv

The Kill Cam is pretty awesome. If the game is anything like the demo then it's worth it.

Just in case you are having this problem or you know someone who is getting Unknown Error 80004002 and your Windows (Vista & 7) will not update, this might help. After 3 months of trying everything suggested in the Microsoft Forums I finally found out that Advanced System Care was causing the problem whenever it was doing it's registry checks and making changes. I did a restore once and it fixed it not knowing what was causing the problem in the first place. The issue returned a week or two later, never even thought twice about ASC causing the problem. I went into ASC, Rescue then chose a known good date that I knew my comp was working correctly. Clicked on the "undo changes" and 5 seconds later my comp went from "Windows cannot check for updates" to "updates available." Hopefully this helps someone else down the road. Thanks, Kansas88

no bugs no finger, that's funny!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Nice!

An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,"What, what did he say?" At which time his wife yells in his ear, "He wants to see your underwear".

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry. "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

I had no idea! You learn something every day. This is much simpler than I thought! How BOOBS Got Their Name No need to thank me....Just trying to keep friends informed and educated.

Nice one Weezer!

How bout' a 7th time? Bahaha, it's all good, live and laugh and don't sweat the small stuff! * ATD - At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * FYI - Found Your Insulin * GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pace maker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On? * LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL - Living on Lipitor * LWO - Lawrence Welk's On * OMMR - On My Massage Recliner * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up! * TOT - Texting on Toilet * TTYL - Talk to You Louder * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? * WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again * WTP - Where're the Prunes * WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

* ATD - At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * FYI - Found Your Insulin * GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pace maker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On? * LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL - Living on Lipitor * LWO - Lawrence Welk's On * OMMR - On My Massage Recliner * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up! * TOT - Texting on Toilet * TTYL - Talk to You Louder * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? * WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again * WTP - Where're the Prunes * WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

Bahaha........

I'll be there........

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open..'

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from The hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.