GorillaXI

I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

I learned a lesson from my dog tonight.................No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on.

I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory?

I don’t know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Do midgets get drunk faster?

I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

I would pay more attention if you were a BEER!

If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, "F@ck you, you can keep it."

I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.

Happy Leap Year

The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes