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Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?" Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands." Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you." Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?" Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Some sports 'World Championship rings' are so diamond-encrusted, they're worth more than your house. Heree are a few examples of championship rings from baseball, football, and hockey,,,,, Buffalo Bills Hey at least we have these rings. Go Bills!!!!! Not my team sumbody sent it to me

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check for pecs again. 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one.) 8. Wash your face. 9. Wash your armpits. 10. Wash your penis and surrounding area. 11. Wash your ass. 12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner). 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. 15. Pee 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!

When the math professor’s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband: My dearest wife, We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I’m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I’ll be home before midnight. Your husband, who will never stop loving you. When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads: My beloved husband, You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy. Your loving wife. P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t stay up and wait for me.

WOMEN’S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry We need = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to do that I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I want something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me MEN’S ENGLISH: I’m hungry = I’m hungry I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy I’m tired = I’m tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice tits! You look tense = I want to fondle you What’s wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time? What’s wrong? = I’m guessing sex is out of the question I’m bored = Would you like to fuck? I love you = I’d like to fuck right now I love you, too = I really want to fuck Let’s talk = I’d like to show you my emotional depth as a prelude to sex Will you marry me? = I really enjoy having sex with you

Wow sorry about your back and head get well soon . I'll see you in game ,and maybe go easy on you "NOT" LOL

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." And again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Oh my God! What on earth for?", asked the first woman. The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh*t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?' 'Well, husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 'Husband No 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. 'Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 'Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order‚ he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 'Husband No 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the-art method. 'Husband No 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 'Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product‚ he was never sure how to position it. 'Husband No 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 'Husband No 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 'Husband No 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him. 'But now that I've married you; I'm so excited'. 'Wonderful' , said the husband, but why? 'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Subject: Adult truths 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger 4. There is great need for a 'sarcasm' font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies..... Quit Laughing. 25. Heal the past, live the present, dream the future. 26. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter!

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." . So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fuck you!" A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms

I can say the tens machine works ihave herniated disc also did mine while putting in a fire hydrant. I've tried a lot of things Ice on the floor, shots,tens invertion table ,chiropactor,the ice and tens seem to work for me. I also go to the chiropator once a month for a adjustment.

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie." The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything." The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer. A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Hope you get well soon, Seems back pain is a common around us here . Ive ended up in the hospital a few times too. Once while camping .ambulance had to take me from the camp gruond. So i feel your pain. I lay on a large ice pack.

what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis? you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!