There are some questions that when I start asking them in my mind that I know that I am walking on then ice. There is a feeling that precedes those questions that tells me I am skating in a no skate zone. These feelings and questions sneak up on me and when I realize that they have, I must tell myself that I have no reason to go there. I have been down that path and all I have ever found there is pain beyond pain. If you ever feel those feelings and ask those questions and don't know what to do about them there is help. I know where to send you for that help. This time of year is the most dangerous for me because I spend so much time alone. This last week I came to realize that if something doesn't work out I will miss my next family reunion. That hurts but I do not want to be a burden to anyone and so I may have to stay home. These kinds of realizations are what brings the feelings and questions on. It's not anyone else's fault it's just the way it is. Know this this is not a plea for help it's just me putting it down so I can begin the long process of making it make sense to a brain that doesn't want to have to fight any more. Emotionally I am fine but socially I am not. I have always loved to socialize until the last 10-12 years. Now all I seem comfortable doing is sitting in my room alone and playing games on my computer. Don't feel sorry for me but if you want to help came see me and make me venture out from these four walls that keep me separated from the world I once knew and lived in. I need empathy more than someone to feel sorry for me. If you think this different for me then you may not know or understand anything I have said. This is a daily struggle and some days are better than others. This time of year always makes it much more challenging than any other time. I dread the holidays now at this age because I know how the elderly felt when I was young. Somehow I will find the strength to fight on but you may never know my struggle. Count that as a blessing because life is hard enough by itself. There are some special blessings I have been granted though I rarely get to be around or see them. Remember those that are tied down behind four walls.