Hi, I just need to write this somewhere, need to get it out. Not sure if I am going to post this text or not. Guess I did if you see this now.
To get a better understanding you need to know that my partner is a long sufferer from eating disorders, compulsive disorders and depressions and such.
Today I had the worst day of my life, a day I never thought I was going experience in my whole life.
When I woke up today I did my regular morning routine, I went to the computer and turned off the pc-wake up larm. Started chrome and took up my morning tabs, Reddit, Gmail, Xi and lastly Facebook. I open Facebook and I see that I have gotten multiple messages from my partner. I open it up and and started skimming thru and it didn't take long until I realize that this is her final note, telling me that she is going to end her life, trying to convince me why, telling me that she is sorry but that my life is going to be better without her.
Immediate great panic runs thru my body and I start fondling around trying to get up my phone and started calling her, no answer, called her home, same there and then called her mothers cell and she answered. I stressed told her what had happened and she told my she was on her way home, we hung up. Starting to loose myself and struggled to keep consciousness and bracing for the worst. I don't know for how long, could been about five minutes or hours. Finally I got a message on facebook from her that she was there, I immediately told her to call me. She does, and I still shooked up jumping between happy, sad, angry, confused and so on. She tells me that she had hung herself and passed out, but the rope had to gotten loose or stretched so she had woken up when her mother got to her.
She had gotten a suicidal impulse and was convinced that it was the only way to stop being sick and stop feeling down. Afterwards she had a meeting with her rehabilitation doctors, and with her father. Then finally she got home to me and I have never felt such happiness and sadness in my whole life, understand, too me, she was dead, gone, never to come back as the same time I saw her and knew she was alive. We have had a long day after this and she has agreed to enter a psych ward until she is more stable again. She has promised that this such thing will never happen again and that she regrets it, I believe her but we both know that when she get low enough she isn't in charge anymore. I still haven't woken up from this and are really shaken and needed this to try to process it. Thank you for reading and thank you all for being XI.