widowmaker

why do guys snore? cause their balls drape over their assholes and they vapor lock!

got pulled over by a female officer, she threw me against the car and said, "anything you say can and will be held against you." So I said, "tits"

Birdie birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like soap and feels like spit, oh my God it's birdie shit!

The sad life of a penis... he lives beside a couple of nuts, is bald his whole life, when he gets excited he throws up and faints, and his owner beats him...

This is a mind trick. Think of a number. Double that number. Add eight. Minus half that number. Minus the number you started with. Is the answer 4? I bet it is.

Pray for my cousin officer Jackie Stovall who was shot this morning in a police chase in Oxford AL, He is currently in surgery. The shooter is in custody after being shot himself.

Just a thought if you are riding a donkey and someone throws rocks at you and you fall would that mean you were stoned off your ass?

When I was a kid I used to...no wait I still do that.

I want to name my dog Stains so when I call for 'em to come inside I can yell "Come Stains!" and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks. =]

I want to name my dog Stains so when I call for 'em to come inside I can yell "Come Stains!" and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks. =]

I just want to sleep. You don't have to think when you sleep. You don't have to feel when you sleep. It's about the only time I'm able to be at peace anymore.

Daffy duck calls the hotel office and asks for a condom. they ask him if he wants it on his bill. he says are thucking sherious i would shufficate

My wife is the best and no one and I mean no one can compare to her she is the sweetest most kind person I know I love you baby

Teacher asks his class for a 12 letter word, student says "masturbation" teacher says "my, that's a mouthful" student says "no your thinking of a blow job."

is wondering...if gay people come out of the closet...do midgets come out of the cabinet?

what do you call Winnie the Pooh's grandmother? Pooh-nanny! hahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahahahah

"Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak & sensitive, if you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding." quoting Betty White

This is so true! Ticks are out early this year, as are fleas!Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weatherand asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM!!!!!!![/indent] [/indent]They only want to see you naked.I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.. I feel so stupid.

got a Rolex for my birthday from a couple lesbians I know. Guess they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!!! Up and at 'em!!! Rise and shine!!! and all that other bull shit ...

It's Hump Day today! However, I haven't been humped nor done any humping! I think I'm getting ripped off. Where's the complaint dept?

There might be a lot of fish in the sea; but while you're fishing for your perfect fish; don't catch crabs

9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs rather than small boobs... the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates , he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.""Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"... "That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that on...

roses are red, violets are blue. Fuck with me, I'll fuck with you u. Stab me once, I'll stab you twice. Fuck you bitch, who said i played nice