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A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"

An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with an old-time woman's panty and a nowa-days panty. His father told him that from his experience the only suitable answer he could give him was that you had to move the panty to see the ass a long time ago, but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those people on theTitanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.' When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do. We have some history together. 'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge is safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "You know, I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe !" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

Wow what a talent

Sirhurtsalot hunting last week

Thanks for sharing the pictures Johnny

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Three men were sitting around discussing women, and one said to the others, "I enjoy looking at a woman's tits the most." "Personally I'd rather look at a woman's ass," the second man replied. "How about you?" he asked, turning to the third man. "Me?" the man said. "I prefer to see the top of a woman's head."

One late night, Mark came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road when, all of a sudden, a piston blew right through the engine hood! Mark got out of his truck, angry as hell and kicked the door out of sheer frustration and started walking down the deserted road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup loaded with guys riding in the back came along and stopped. One of the men yelled, "Hey man, what happened?" Mark replies, "Piston broke." The man calls back, "Oh hell, buddy! We're all pissed and broke. Get in the fuckin' truck."

The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different. The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar. The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big. The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing...Taste is everything. The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you. The Alka Seltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is.. The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart. The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it. The Pringles Penis: Once you pop, you can't stop The MandM Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand The Frosted Flakes Penis: GGGRRRREEEEAAAAATTT! The Lucky Charms Penis: Magically delicious The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized The Jolly Green *Giant* Penis: Self-explanatory The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm mmm good The Purple Pickle Penis: Heh heh The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved. The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your Penis? The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest. The Chips Ahoy Penis: Betcha bite a chip. The Purdue Penis: More meat, less bone. The All State Penis: You're in good hands. The 7-Up Penis: The UN-Penis. The Nike Penis: Just do it. The Barq's Penis: The one with bite. The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner. The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling. The Subway Penis: Where fresh is the taste. The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis: Finger licking good? The Life Penis: Mikey likes it. The Transformers Penis: It's more than meets the eye. The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy. The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with power. The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms. The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists. The Champion Penis: The official Penis of the U.S.A. Olympic Team. The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose. The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me. The Citibank Visa Penis: It's everywhere you want to be. The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.... The Burger King Penis: Have it your way... everyone loves The whopper The Dairy Queen Penis: Hot eats, cool treats The Milk Penis: It does a body good. The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef? The Captain Planet Penis: Go PENIS!! The Folger's Crystals Penis: The best part of wakin up is a Penis in your... The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one. The Mr. Clean Penis: Is it wet or is it dry? The Diet Coke Penis: Just for The taste of it... The Doublemint Penis: Chewing really satisfies. The Juicyfruit Penis: The taste is gonna move ya. The Big Red Penis: It's longer with big red. The Neon Penis: Hi. The Generic Penis: One size fits all. The Rave Music Penis: Ya'll ready for this? The Mortal Kombat Penis: Nothing can prepare you. The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper. The Pizza Hut Penis: Makin' it great. Again and Again. The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard! The Domino's Pizza Penis: 30 minutes or less The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time The Wonder Bubbles Penis: Magic wand inside! The Gillette Penis: The best a man can get. The Charmin Double Roll Penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer. The Bacardi Penis: Taste The feeling. The Macintosh Penis: Power is everything. The Borg Penis: Resistance is futile. The Edge Shaving Cream Penis: Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort. The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be. The Oasis Penis: Thinks it's The Beatles Penis. The Jell-O Penis: Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle. The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph-balanced for a woman. The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand. The Sanka Penis: Get that good to the last drop feeling. The Swiss Miss Penis: The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere! The Payday Penis: It's almost totally nuts! The Unisys Penis The power of two... The Snickers Penis: A nut in every bite The Presidential Penis: Been there, done that The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin. The Sony Play Station Penis: You are not ready. The Life Savers Penis: Five fruity flavors. The Trojan Penis: Don't forget your rubbers The McDonald's Penis: Would you like some fries with that. The Nyquil Penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest Penis.

Wow awsome the kids will be scared

Pantyhose Riddle Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it... this is serious... well............ what do you think? Ready? scroll down, you'll love this.......... answer: 10 little piggy's, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an unknown number of hares, And of course one (1) . . .... Come on, you know you're laughing

Cute kid Chili,Looks A little like Duke WELL MAYBE NOT lol

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Got it on the Third try not bad for a guy who is partial color blind

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

Banta leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is. "Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head." "Ouch! What happened?" "He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!" "Yeah, then what?" "Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

Congrads to you and the wife.

LOL