Rules for Pets..........(Posted very low on therefrigerator)
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain yourfood. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in themiddle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your foodand dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me tothe bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall fasterthan you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorryabout this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure yourcomfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to thefullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out andhaving tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing butsarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If,by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is notnecessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under theedge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door Ientered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/felineattendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog orcat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on thefront door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who areshort, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, ( don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....