Thanks For The Help

[JohnnyDos]

 

As we end 2013, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
 
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with reduced brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
 
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
 
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…