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Is that sober or after too many beers

I have to agree with Johnny some text are hard to read.

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much." "So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand" He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Welcome hope to shoot you soon

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?" He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Jill, I don't know what to do," Nadine said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Jim from O'Fallon asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my gosh," Jill exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Nadine. Jill winked and replied, "Wear an old dress."

Women With Big Breasts... ..can get a taxi on the worst days ..have a neat place to carry spare change ..have always been the centre of the arts (art) ..make jogging a spectator sport ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Women With Little Breasts... ..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ..always look younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ..can always see their toes and shoes ..can sleep on their stomachs ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ..know that everything more than a handful is wasted ..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

That Funny Chili ,who's laughing in the background?

One day a Navy ship arrived in town. A small but energetic sailor was the first to abandon the ship and rush ashore. The moment he got to the beach he rapidly searched for a prostitute to satisfy his pent-up desires. In an instant he found one. It was very sunny and hot. Sand was everywhere. So the sailor, without losing seconds, dragged the prostitute under a pier. They had a furious and quick sex affair. The sailor got up, put his trousers on, paid $20 and dashed away. Next day, same sailor, same beach, same prostitute, same burning sun and heat, same abundance of sand, same place under the pier, same rapid action... But this time during the intimate process, the prostitute could not help but let fly a good and loud fart. The sailor continued and without paying any attention to this little nuisance finished the race. He got up, put on his trousers, paid $25 and started to leave. The prostitute stopped him and asked, "Why the $5 tip?" "That's for blowing the hot sand off my balls!"

Girls reaction to penis sizes: # 9'' - oh shit pain! # 7'' - oh yes, yum! # 6'' - oh perfect! # 5'' - mmm ok! # 4'' - push more! # 3'' - is it in? # 2'' - idiot! Just use your tongue.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open!"

One day a group of boys went to the cutest girl in school and declared that a girl could never climb a pole as well as a boy. The girl was furious at their claim and proceeded to climb the pole all the way to the top. When the girl went home she told her mom about the guys. Her mother told her, " Honey, they just want to look at your underwear." "I'll get them back for this," the girl thought. The next day the same guys asked her to climb the pole again, claiming that she hadn't climbed it very fast the last time, and that any boy could climb faster. She climbed that pole again and knew she had showed them since they simply stood there silently this time. She went home with a big grin on her face and told her mom that they challenged her to climb the pole again. "What did I tell you! They just want to look at your underwear!" her mom exclaimed. "I fooled them, Mom! I didn't wear any!"

One day a man with half a tougue had moved to America and was getting to know the city. He walked in to a store and asked the clerk if he had some bum. The clerk asked "what do you mean some bum ?" and with gestures he let him know that he was asking for some gum. The clerk then relied and said oh some gum we do have some, and sold it to him. He went home and found that he had a leak in the ceiling. So he headed off to the hardware store and asked the clerk if he had a "fuck it". The clerk looked at him and asked him what do you mean. He replied with gestures you know a "fuck it" to put water. Oh you mean a bucket the clerk replied, yes said the man and bought it. The man felt kind of lonley so he decided he should buy a dog, so he went to the pet store and asked for a "cock and spank it" the clerk asked him what do you mean. Again with gestures he asked you know the dog with long ears. Oh you mean a cocker spanial, yes replied the man. So he bought the dog, but on his way home the dog was giving him a hard time and somehow got away from him, so he ran after the dog but the bucket was slowing him down. When he came across a police officer and went up to him and asked " CAN YOU PLEASE HOLD MY BUM AND FUCK IT SO I CAN FIND MY COCK AND SPANK IT."

A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, "I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said. "We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car"

Hey enjoy your company in game .hope to shoot you soon. You have to watch out for chilis flame thrower.

Three nuns die and are met at the pearly gates of heaven by St. Peter. "Before you enter, you must answer a skilled question." said St.Peter. The nuns agree and St. Peter begins by asking the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" "Oh, thats an easy one, that was Adam!" said the nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on, and the nun walked up the stairs. St.Peter asked the second nun, "Who was the first women on earth?" "Oh, that's an easy one, that was Eve!" said the second nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on, and the nun walked up the stairs. St.Peter asked the third and final nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun thought about the question for a long time, finally she shakes her head and replies, "That's a hard one". And the gates opened, the lights came on....

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were. So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You beat me by three."

Thanks to all veterans for our life in the free world. We could all be speaking Japanese or German right now.

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

Two lesbians were walking down the street one-day. They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first. "Unh, Unh" mumbled the other. It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble, "Unh, Unh Uhh...". When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other, "Hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful womem ?" "I'm sorry ...," said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard!!!"

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."