Dogg

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?' Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!

Can't beat an old John Wayne movie

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her.

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’ Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

After ten years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, You don’t remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there! The wife fainted!!!

I am not sure if you would consider this funny but a few years ago my wife and I build a back deck onto our home. I was cleaning up the deck itself while my wife, Maggi, was using an electric nail gun to put up the lattice skirt around the bottom of the deck. The nail gun wasn’t powerful enough to drive the nails all the way in leaving about a quarter of an inch sticking up. She would finish up with a claw hammer and drive them flush. She was almost finished when our ex-brother-in-law, her sisters ex showed up. He was a loud, ‘know it all’ and proceeded to stand at the end of the lattice sheet where she still had to nail it to the support post. He ignored her and started telling me what I was doing wrong in my clean up. My wife asked him to please move several times so she could finish. But he continued to ignore her and stand in the way. She finally told him she had to nail the end of the lattice panel. He spread his legs and told her to go ahead. She grabbed the nail gun and starting at the bottom of the lattice drove nails from there up to the top. As she drove the last nail in at the top he started screaming that she had nailed his dick to the lattice and post. She panicked and grabbed the claw hammer, placing the claw around the nail head, jerked the hammer up to pull the nail out. Our ex-brother-in-law immediately passed out. We called for an ambulance which was only 2 blocks away and they took him to the hospital only a mile further. He was still out cold. We followed them to the ER. We waited in the ER for about a half an hour and finally asked a nurse what was taking so long to fix a couple of holes in a penis. We were informed that he was in emergency surgery and that the doctor would come out to tell us about it when they finished. When to doc came out he asked what had happened and we explained about the nail gun and pulling out the nail. He told us that the 2 holes in the penis only took a couple of minutes to stitch up but then explained that the surgery as to remove a crushed testicle. An almost ‘true’ story.

So my son and I were at the hardware store earlier. We were getting a bike tire repair kit, and he noticed a bike compass. Commenting on it, he said “It’s working properly.” I said, “that’s because it’s not a Tate’s compass.” He looked at me funny, so I decided to give him a little history lesson. “Emmanuel Tate was an immigrant from Europe in the late 1800s. After landing at Ellis Island, he traveled all around the Americas (mostly because he could never get his bearings) with a compass he had created himself. After an arduous trek from Mexico to Canada (while looking for Detroit), Tate finally settled down in Kansas, where he founded the Tate Compass Company. Using his self-taught skills, Tate cranked out a series of compasses, none of which ever worked, often sending their users in vastly different directions than they had hoped for. Regardless of this massive inconvenience, the compasses had an almost cult following for a while, until WWI, when Prince Ferdinand’s driver was using a Tate’s to drive the monarch through town. All but forgotten now, the Tate legacy still lives on, as everybody knows that, ‘He Who Has A Tate’s Is Lost’.”

Ok so this mortician had a habit of cutting the corpses penis off, he did this for many years, he kept them in a jar on the shelf. Anyway, he decided he had enough penis in a couple large jars and he took them to a taxidermist to see what he could make from them. This process took years, but one day the mortician got a call from the taxidermist, he told him to come down and see what he thought. Mortician walks into taxidermist’s office and he hands the mortician a plain simple wallet. Mortician asks, “What’s this, that’s all you got from all those dicks?!?” Taxidermist said “Relax, would ya, when you rub it, it becomes luggage”.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

A Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.” He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled to her two dogs “Here Soap! ... Here Water!”

Sweet innocent granny Spratt was at the doctor getting a physical. After the exam the doc asked her if she had any issues she wanted to discuss “Well, I’ve been really gassy lately. But since they are silent and have no smell it isn’t a big deal, in fact I’ve let about 20 go during this exam.” So the doc wrote her a prescription and told her to come back in a month. A month later granny returned to the doctor “I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me, but my farts have started to have a horrible stench.” The doc said “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we need to get you a hearing aid.”

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’ So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’ The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’ The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The man grinned and said, ‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’ The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’ ‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied... ‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit... ‘ ... Women can be so cruel!!

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life. As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, “Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.” God replied, “As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.” I’m sorry to hear that”, the good brother replied. “But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.” “You can see him if you wish”, God said “I will give you the power to gaze into hell.” So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, “I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad.” God explained. “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn’t.”

A blond is walking down the street with one tit hanging out. A cop stops her and says, “Look darling, as pretty a picture as it makes, you’re going to have to put that away. I could cite you for indecent exposure.” “Why?” says the blond. “Your tit is hanging out!” replies the cop, astounded. The blond looks down and says “Oh, shit! I left the baby on the bus again!”

A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price ... the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’ He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John’s Nfld. and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer ... And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.” Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.” “What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”

A ten year Old Girl asks her mommy, ‘Mommy how was I born?” The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it and smoked it and got so high we fucked without a condom!”

Doctor Rob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him: “Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go...”! But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Rob, you’re a vet.”

What's wrong with it???

OMG I love it. Don't understand it but I love it.

Struthers was assigned to show an important stockholder around the rubber goods factory. The woman nodded approvingly when shown the giant machine which spit out an endless stream of rubber nipples. “One of our steady sellers, a lot of babies being born these days,” Struthers explained. Not much later the stockholder inquired as to the functions of another huge machine spitting out little rubber discs. “Condoms,” Struthers informed her. “Big sellers, too.” “Understandably,” she commented. “But why’s that needle coming down and punching a little hole in every other one?” “Well,” he whispered conspiratorially, “we can’t let the nipple business go downhill, now can we?”

A day at the zoo A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: “Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does.” - She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now ... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. “Now Tell him you have a headache...”

A king was going of to the Crusades, and had his queen fitted with a special chastity belt, with a built-in guillotine. When he returned, he lined his knights up and had them all drop their drawers. All of the knights showed the signs of their indiscretion, except for one. The king went up to the knight and said, “Noble knight, you of all my knights has been loyal to me in my absence. Name your reward, and it is yours.” The knight said, “Rrrr, rrr, rrr.”

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...”And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod? Dick got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Dick replied, “I wasn’t...”