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Dogg

*** Clan Members
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Dogg last won the day on August 6

Dogg had the most liked content!

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About Dogg

  • Rank
    Simpleton
  • Birthday 02/12/1954

External Contact

  • Steam ID
    jldogg
  • Origin
    JLDogg

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Galesburg, Illinois

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My Clubs

  1. Dogg

    I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
  2. Dogg

    My Christmas tree was taken out to the curb a LLLOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago. LOL
  3. Dogg

    Welcome back kiddo
  4. Dogg

    A hooker is standing on the corner when a cop walks up to her and said “I told ya you can’t be selling sex on the street”, and the hooker replied “I’m not selling sex, I’m selling condoms with a free demonstration”.
  5. Dogg

    A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband “What is a specimen?” He replied “I’ll be danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She be the danged nurse.” The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. “What in tarnation happened?” asked her husband. “I’ll be danged if I know.” She replied. “I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle! So I told her to go fart in a jug and that’s when all hell broke loose.”
  6. Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
  7. Dogg

    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.” The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?” The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
  8. Dogg

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and was able to complete the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%! Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I’ve never seen done before in my entire career!”
  9. Dogg

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.” The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
  10. Dogg

    For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton’s infidelity you’ll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees! As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice, “Monica, Please sack my cook!” And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
  11. Dogg

    A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.” Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.” Guy looks down, sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks—let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?” he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!” Twitch—the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, “Will you marry me?” Frog yells back, “Look—how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!”
  12. Dogg

    Once upon a time there was a majestic mountain forest. In this forest reigned two princely trees; a grand Beech tree and a grand Birch tree. They grew a little too close to each other and ... well, they weren’t the best of friends. They got along well ... okay, let’s just be happy that they at least weren’t dropping branches on each other. So, all was (relatively) peaceful in the forest until one summer they noticed that between them was growing a young sapling. This would never do ... they had a reputation to uphold you see. Thus the argument started. The Beech tree insisted that the sapling was a Son of a Birch, while the Birch tree said it was a Son of a Beech. On the argument went. During one day while the argument raged, flew a woodpecker. The princes, came upon an idea. “Mr. Woodpecker, you are familiar with wood are you not.” “Why yes. You could say I’m somewhat of an expert. I’ve perched upon gnarly oaks, shaded under weeping willows, and even sampled the sap of the sweet maples. What can I do for you gentlemen?” “Would you care to settle and argument for us? Could you tell us whether this sapling is the Son of a Birch, or the Son of a Beech?” “I would be happy to!” Said the woodpecker and off he flew. The princes were secure with this turn of events and even ceased arguing for a while until they heard the sound of tapping. Tap, tap, tap. Went the woodpecker. Tap, tap, tappity, tap tap. On it went for quite some time. Finally the woodpecker returned with a smug, satisfied smile. “Well” asked the princes, “Is the young sapling a Son of a Birch or a Son of a Beech?” “Gentlemen, the sapling is neither the Son of a Birch nor a Son of a Beech.” the woodpecker replied. “For the sapling is a female tree ... and the finest young Ash I’ve ever had the privilege to tap!
  13. Dogg

    Grand daughter's pony Roxy Her new foal Fancy, born 7/8/20 Snapchat-331688549.mp4
  14. Dogg

    John and Joe Jones were identical twins living in a very small town. All was good, and then John asked the girl he was dating to marry him and they did. Just after John married Joe bought an old row boat. It was in poor condition so he got it cheap. About a year later John’s wife died and Joe’s boat sank. Couple of weeks later this old lady met Joe on the street and said “Oh Mr Jones I am sorry for your loss.” Without thinking Joe Said, “No big loss she leaked every time I used her. What finished her off was when I rented her out to four guys form the next town over to go fishing. They all piled in at once and she split right down the middle.” The old lady fainted.
  15. Dogg

    A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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