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XtremeIdiots

Dogg

*** Clan Members
  • Content Count

    108
  • Donations

    $100.00 
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Dogg last won the day on October 24

Dogg had the most liked content!

1 Follower

About Dogg

  • Birthday 02/12/1954

External Contact

  • Steam ID
    jldogg
  • Origin
    JLDogg

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Galesburg, Illinois

Recent Profile Visitors

2,949 profile views

My Clubs

  1. Dogg

    Welcome to my grandson 7lb. 8oz & 21 inches born at 0032 today
  2. Dogg

    A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger. They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing. “What shall we do?” said the wife. “I know,” said the husband. “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” “But it’s all wet and it stinks!” “Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
  3. Dogg

    A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.” To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.” Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”
  4. Dogg

    My Dear husband: I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you. I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Wife. Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life! REPLY: Dear Ex-wife, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore. I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment ... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris ... But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care. Signed, You’re Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
  5. Dogg

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “¨”Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
  6. Dogg

    I'll take a large with everything except anchovies By the way Hi!!!!
  7. Dogg

    Maybe I should start eating cornflakes.?
  8. Dogg

    Your DUCK IS DEAD A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
  9. Dogg

    Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! ! A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. Dogg

    Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow ... that looks deep!” “Sure does ... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is”. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait ... no noise. “Jeeeeesus. That is REALLY deep ... here ... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise”. They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait ... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says “Hey ... over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise!” The two guys drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and dives into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey ... you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” Nah” says the farmer “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
  11. Dogg

    There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies “You’re in a plane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East”.
  12. Dogg

    King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless. “This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?” “Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. “Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. “Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.” But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
  13. Dogg

    A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled “Um ... No”. “Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. “Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation “Leaving her penniless with three children?” The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply “I had no idea...” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again” ... and I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”
  14. Dogg

    A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains on their way from a remote job. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him”. The boss is sitting there thinking “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”
  15. Dogg

    Do we have to??? Huh? We do?? Well the welcome to the nuthouse!! ? Oh and NO animal abuse, i.e. the Dogg
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