Dogg

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

My Christmas tree was taken out to the curb a LLLOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago. LOL

Welcome back kiddo

A hooker is standing on the corner when a cop walks up to her and said “I told ya you can’t be selling sex on the street”, and the hooker replied “I’m not selling sex, I’m selling condoms with a free demonstration”.

A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband “What is a specimen?” He replied “I’ll be danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She be the danged nurse.” The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. “What in tarnation happened?” asked her husband. “I’ll be danged if I know.” She replied. “I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle! So I told her to go fart in a jug and that’s when all hell broke loose.”

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.” The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?” The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and was able to complete the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%! Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I’ve never seen done before in my entire career!”

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.” The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton’s infidelity you’ll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees! As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice, “Monica, Please sack my cook!” And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.” Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.” Guy looks down, sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks—let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?” he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!” Twitch—the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, “Will you marry me?” Frog yells back, “Look—how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!”

Once upon a time there was a majestic mountain forest. In this forest reigned two princely trees; a grand Beech tree and a grand Birch tree. They grew a little too close to each other and ... well, they weren’t the best of friends. They got along well ... okay, let’s just be happy that they at least weren’t dropping branches on each other. So, all was (relatively) peaceful in the forest until one summer they noticed that between them was growing a young sapling. This would never do ... they had a reputation to uphold you see. Thus the argument started. The Beech tree insisted that the sapling was a Son of a Birch, while the Birch tree said it was a Son of a Beech. On the argument went. During one day while the argument raged, flew a woodpecker. The princes, came upon an idea. “Mr. Woodpecker, you are familiar with wood are you not.” “Why yes. You could say I’m somewhat of an expert. I’ve perched upon gnarly oaks, shaded under weeping willows, and even sampled the sap of the sweet maples. What can I do for you gentlemen?” “Would you care to settle and argument for us? Could you tell us whether this sapling is the Son of a Birch, or the Son of a Beech?” “I would be happy to!” Said the woodpecker and off he flew. The princes were secure with this turn of events and even ceased arguing for a while until they heard the sound of tapping. Tap, tap, tap. Went the woodpecker. Tap, tap, tappity, tap tap. On it went for quite some time. Finally the woodpecker returned with a smug, satisfied smile. “Well” asked the princes, “Is the young sapling a Son of a Birch or a Son of a Beech?” “Gentlemen, the sapling is neither the Son of a Birch nor a Son of a Beech.” the woodpecker replied. “For the sapling is a female tree ... and the finest young Ash I’ve ever had the privilege to tap!

Grand daughter's pony Roxy Her new foal Fancy, born 7/8/20 Snapchat-331688549.mp4

John and Joe Jones were identical twins living in a very small town. All was good, and then John asked the girl he was dating to marry him and they did. Just after John married Joe bought an old row boat. It was in poor condition so he got it cheap. About a year later John’s wife died and Joe’s boat sank. Couple of weeks later this old lady met Joe on the street and said “Oh Mr Jones I am sorry for your loss.” Without thinking Joe Said, “No big loss she leaked every time I used her. What finished her off was when I rented her out to four guys form the next town over to go fishing. They all piled in at once and she split right down the middle.” The old lady fainted.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby ... whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked... “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe ... why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Squad Leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum-bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back, “Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said, “Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi! And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when the truck hit us.

A koala is on vacation in Vegas and as everyone knows what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So, he decides to buys himself some lovin. 30 minutes later, he’s at her door and introducing himself. They adjourn to the bedroom, she lies back and he starts using his oral skills much to her delight. After about 15 minutes, as she’s getting closer, the koala stops, get some up, and heads for the door. In protest the lady of the evening asks him where he’s going. His simple reply is “I’m leaving”. She reaches into her night stand, pulls out her dictionary that she keeps there for just such an emergency and says “I’m a prostitute. Look up what it says”. He dutifully does and read that a prostitute is someone who exchanges sex for money. He replies that he’s a koala and tosses her the dictionary. When she reads that a koala is a furry creature that eats bushes and leaves, she understands.

Another day in paradise... a few days after the creation god strolled leisurely through the garden Eden pleased with what he saw. under one of the trees was Adam lazing in the sun chewing on a stem of sweet grass. howzit going buddy? god said. well, said Adam good so far - but I am bored out of my mind!- nothing to do! we can*t have that says god- gimme a few days and i will come up with something! next time they meet god says: boy have I got the thing for you! Funny, entertaining and cuddly- but it will cost you a little! how much? says Adam. well, god replies, not much-just an arm and a leg! Adam starts wailing and pulling his hair (remember god created him from Jewish clay!) so god (not used to these tantrums yet) says: well i see, how much are you willing to give? feeling the upper hand Adam says: How much do i get for a rib?

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman’s apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, “Did you hear something?” “No!” said the Invisible Man, “But my ass sure hurts like hell!”

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring round the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, “I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Indian man replied, “Just try dem on, Saiheeb.” Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian’s thighs. The Indian then began screaming, “YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!

Awesome!!!! Retirement is the best part of the job. Thank You for the service and being there when you were needed.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius! The owner responds, “Genius, my arse. It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Golf is expensive Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$90,000.” MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.” MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!” MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”