Dogg

Many years ago Casanova died, and went to God for judgement. God gave him a choice of interviewing the guardians of Heaven and Hell so he could choose between them. First he went to Heaven. Heard the Angels sing and asked if they were available. God said NO, they are all perpetual virgins. So Casanova went to Hell to speak to the Devil and the Devil took him on a tour of Hell. As they walked through hell there were many beautiful women sitting at table with bottles of vintage wine. So Casanova opted to stay in Hell. The gates of Hell closed and Casanova went to the nearest table and picked up a bottled of wine and lifted it to drink from. But no wine spilled and looking at the bottle Casanova said this bottle has a sealed neck. He tried another bottle and it was the same. So he turned to the Devil and said “these bottles are stoppered so I cannot drink the wine”. “Yes.” said the Devil. “Just wait till you try the women!”

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” “Why yes,” she replied, “My son sends me money every week, and I give 10% of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?” The old lady proudly said, “In Nevada. He owns two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.” “Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.” “That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am - I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!” Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” “He said the reflector is broken.” “I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” “I’m not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...”

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.” To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now.”

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168”. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Mrs. Bill Clinton?”

This guy was all depressed about ending up in hell, so the devil took him aside and explained that hell was all about sin, and sin is fun. “did you like to eat when you were on earth” asked the devil. “sure” the guy replied “well, you’ll like Mondays then, that’s gluttony night. I gather up all the men in hell, bring them back to my place, and if it was available there it’s here. you’ll never gain weight, never have indigestion, you’re already dead so no consequences” then devil went on “you like to drink?” “sure, i’d go through a case of beer every weekend” “well you’ll like Tuesday, that’s drunkards night. I gather up all the men in hell and bring them back to my place and we all drink all night. no hangovers, no puking, no blackouts.” the devil grinned, “you like drugs?” “sure, i’d toke up every Friday” “well Wednesday is junkies night. I gather up all the men in hell and bring them back to my place and we shoot up, snort, swallow, smoke anything you want. no bad trips, no od’s, no getting hooked” the devil then asked “you gay?” “nope” “you’re not much gonna like Thursday then.”

I don't care what people say but, that was fraking funny ?

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Great from beginning to end”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes to read from the pack: “Super strong King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter ... the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “. Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ. ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.’ MUM FAINTED!!!

Warning: This person hears voices and they don't like you.

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby. “Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?” She says, “I was in bed.” “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.” She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7, you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.” She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14. You are on 13.” Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?” She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said “I sell tampons.” He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.” He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant “Steve’s Place” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired “Why the spoon?” “Well” he explained “the restaurant’s owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. “If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.” As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” “Well” he whispered “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

A man dies ‘in the act’ after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can’t get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man’s beautiful young widow. “I’m afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member”. “Well I have no more money” states the widow “and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece”. The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He’ll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased’s backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees. On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased’s face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly “See, I told you it hurts!”

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his vacations at this country inn. The previous year he’d finally managed to close the deal with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!” Well” she said “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

Michael is sitting in a chair at his barbershop. Worried about his receding hairline, he confides in his barber about what he could possibly do to fix the problem. Hearing his case, the patron in the chair beside Michael leans over and whispers to him “I couldn’t help but overhear your problem. I’ve found that pussy juice always works for me.” “But you’re balder than I am!” replies Michael, to which the man responds “Yea, but you’ve got to admit, I’ve got one hell of a mustache!”

Sebastian and Julian got married in Las Vegas. They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Sebastian’s Mom and Dad’s house in San Francisco for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Sebastian’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Sebastian and Julian are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Sebastian and Julian up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Sebastian and Julian up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘OK, tell me what you think.’ He says: ‘Last night Sebastian came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’

Welcome to my grandson 7lb. 8oz & 21 inches born at 0032 today

A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger. They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing. “What shall we do?” said the wife. “I know,” said the husband. “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” “But it’s all wet and it stinks!” “Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.” To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.” Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”

My Dear husband: I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you. I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Wife. Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life! REPLY: Dear Ex-wife, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore. I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment ... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris ... But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care. Signed, You’re Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “¨”Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

I'll take a large with everything except anchovies By the way Hi!!!!

Maybe I should start eating cornflakes.?