Dogg

Your DUCK IS DEAD A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! ! A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow ... that looks deep!” “Sure does ... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is”. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait ... no noise. “Jeeeeesus. That is REALLY deep ... here ... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise”. They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait ... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says “Hey ... over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise!” The two guys drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and dives into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey ... you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” Nah” says the farmer “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies “You’re in a plane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East”.

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless. “This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?” “Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. “Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. “Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.” But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled “Um ... No”. “Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. “Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation “Leaving her penniless with three children?” The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply “I had no idea...” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again” ... and I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains on their way from a remote job. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him”. The boss is sitting there thinking “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

Do we have to??? Huh? We do?? Well the welcome to the nuthouse!! ? Oh and NO animal abuse, i.e. the Dogg

First up is Russell(dog) and Hercules, Russ recently crossed the rainbow bridge Then Remy And finally one of the horses Taffy

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all”.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night.”Kid 1: “As if.”Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

Congrats!!! Your first???

My daughter's college graduation last weekend

ROTFLMAO? Love it, hxtr

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor. “Well,” said the wife, “you are planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?

Bill was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals. Then after a thorough examination the doctor said he wanted to check with Bill’s wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, “Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied “Of course I do, dear ... I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

A traveller once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time” he replied. The local man said “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumour has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time”. “What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” exclaimed the traveller. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded. “It’s true. We never fight”. “PLEASE” begged the traveler “can you tell me your secret?” “Well” said the old man “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one’”. “We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two’”. “Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice!” I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’” My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one’”.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

One day a woman carrying triplets went into labor. Her husband was out fishing and had the car for the day so the woman had to walk to the hospital just a few blocks away. She decided to take a shortcut through an alley. While she was walking through, she was shot in the stomach. The woman however, survived the ordeal with her three children unscathed. 16 years later, one of the children, who is a girl, went to the mother and said, “Mom, Mom, guess what? I peed a bullet.” So the mother told her daughter the story of how she was shot. The next day, another one of the triplets, who is also a girl, goes to her mother and tells her, “Mom, Mom, I just peed a bullet.” So again, the mother tells her other daughter the story of how she was shot. The next day the third triplet, who is a boy, comes to the mother. The mother said, “Let me guess, you peed a bullet.” “No,” the son said, “I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”

We talking Simulators or Stimulators???

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You're gonna love this.) The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)