Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started > thinking about life and came to realize > that: Ø As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is > impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of > cake. Ø Condoms don't guarantee safe > sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was > shot by the woman's > husband. Ø Lance > Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how > everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what > he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, > when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fucking > bike. Ø Drive By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't > take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and > change the channels. The Sick > bastards!!! Ø The > Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time > ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy > covering his penis with black shoe > polish. I > said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - > You're supposed to turn your clock > back”. Ø Video > Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger > Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns > out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of > money! Pass > this on so others don't get > scammed. ØPregnant > Prostitute…Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you > know who the father is?" "Hey dumb ass, she replied, > if you ate a can of beans would you know which one > made you fart????