The Dark Side of Life!

[BigPapaDean]

Suicide is a term man has devised to describe the act of death being self inflicted! When you think about it that means there are thousands of ways to accomplish this and nobody would be the wiser. Myself, while unintentional was starving myself to death and until some very bad complications showed up I didn't even realize I was close to dying by not ingesting food for my body to survive off of. I wonder if I had died would anyone had known? Maybe the undertaker and those privy to his findings. I rather doubt they would have informed my kids of this. I simply had no appetite to eat anything. This was totally out of character for me. My kids did encourage me to eat but because I was drastically over weight from years of depression and stuffing myself till I wqas sick from eating they seemed to think I was okay. I never asked them that question! I knew though how they felt about that word that brings so much sadness and heart ache to the ones left behind. It's been said that suicide is the most selfish act a person can do. In large I agree, but there are circumstances that it may be the only humane thing to do for someone in desperate pain with no relief in sight. For most this is a very sensitive subject but the fact of the matter it is very real and happens everyday to someone who has lost all hope and feels so unloved and desperate from feeling isolated, whether true or not, to them it is true. 

Let me tell you what happened to me so you know what I am talking about. When my nervous breakdown happened I thought that there was no way on earth I would ever do something so crazy to myself. I was way to much of a chicken and despite feeling down all the time I love living. Then that awful terrible time came when I was all alone in a house with my two youngest kids and the pain started way down deep in my soul. What I saw and experienced was so horrible and horrifying I had never been in this place before. I was standing at the edge of this huge deep and blackest hole I had ever imagined looking down into it and hurting so bad I was being drawn to it like a magnet. This went on every night for weeks on end and no one in my house had any idea. I had been taught all my life that what I was thinking about doing was an eternal damnable offense against God. Yet my pain had risen so high in intensity that the religious consequences were SHOVED to the side. I was hurting like I hope none of you ever have to experience. I have dealt wit constant physical pain all my life but my friends this pain was completely in another category of pain. 

My life had fallen apart and I became involved online with a young lady who when I fell into this darkness it scared her and she disappeared for a while. We had spent many hours gaming with each other and I just simply fell in love with her. When she disappeared I begin to think I had no hope at all. Everyone I loved except my family deserted me and I was having a very hard time digesting that thought. All this did was compounded the problem and I begi to slide closer and closer to that dark hole in my heart of hearts. I just simply want to die to stop the pain. It felt like there was no escape for me to sanity any more. The sanity where everything was comfortable. Later the young lady told me she felt so bad for me but she had er own issues in her life to deal with. I was forced to move on by her absence!

Even when I was at my worst I know now God was with me closer than He was ever before. Most of you don't know this but I belong to a online gaming clan, and the help I needed came from there. God touched a dear young mother of three who had dealt with many of the same symptoms I was. We had for years used a gaming communications device to talk to each other in game when we wanted private communications. She said God told her I was in trouble and to get a hold of me through this device. I always left it on so if someone was online we could talk. She came online and talked to every night for three weeks keeping me in the game of life. She just listened and would tell me how much my family loved me and every one in our clan also. I was loved and respected by them because I was very caring and would help anyone with anything they needed. It was my one link to the outside world that when it got to hard to deal with I could just turn it off. Dealing with all the stress and pain I had seemed like an insurmountable task and I simply did not have the will to do it on my own. This where my dearest friend today came into my life those three long weeks of struggle and facing myself.

My past life played a huge role in my reaction to reason I fell. I use to be as strong mentally as anyone I had ever known. I found myself examining everything about me and my life up to this time. I had a reveation that put me on a path to recovery but not without a daily fight every step of the way. God showed me He loved me regardless what I did or what I was up to then. I was a co-pastor of a small church and yet my heart wasn't in it. Something was wrong with the way we taught the scriptures and that had a definite role when my bo-pastor came talked to me and asked me if I wanted to resign I couldn't say yes fast enough. He told me to go save my marriage and I left. Little did he know there was no marriage to save.it was over and I knew it. Then came the beginning of my fall into this dark ugly frightening world. I am still here today but I never judge anyone who didn't have someone God sent their way to hold their hand and lead them back to the light of life. 

Don't ever just watch someone you love destroy themselves without doing everything in your power to save them. It is worth every effort you put into it. They do not need judgmental attitudes they just need to know you love them enough to go into that hole and bring them back out. The life you save may be your own child or family member! I am still here today because someone found the strength to put what God wanted them to do above their own sleep and even responsibilities. 

Before I go I want you all to lift her up to God because today she s facing the possibility of something as dreadful as cancer. She will be seeing her Dr this week for an MRI and testing to see what is wrong. I love her like se is my little sister and have been worried sick about her! She has been dealing with tjhis for several years and finally they are doing something to find out what the problem is. Her three kids do not know anything about this so please pray for her and her sweet little family! 

[deerejon]

Dean,

 

I am so very happy that you came through what you did intact...I lost someone very very dear to me who was suffering what you describe...I didn't see it at the time and have reflected on it ever since...

 

Thoughts and Prayers to your friend in her time of need!!!

[Damage_inc-]

we wish her well.

[Intruder]

You were given the strength to endure for a reason , probably to help someone else. Prayers your way papaDean

[eidolonFIRE]

You are blessed to have made it through what you did. Thank God somebody was there to help you. Funny thing about depression and isolation is that they compound themselves... they drive you farther into depression and isolation. This is why it's important to look out for you friends. It's not always obvious when they are going through stuff like this on the inside.