A Maan Walks Into A Bar ....

[TBB]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.

After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?”

The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.

Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.

The man agrees.

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find they guy?”

The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.”

The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.”

The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks.

“This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender.

The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

 

A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy. After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”

They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.

The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, “I want what he’s having!” pointing to the guy. The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death.

The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole.”

 

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

“Cheese Sandwich: $2.50

Chicken Sandwich: $3.50

Hand Job: $10.00”

He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:

“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.

“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”

 

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.

The Barman told then: “That there is the prize for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2:Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman.”

The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over so they agreed to try.

The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila he collapses drunk.

The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lions room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream and soon afterwards he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.

The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes… There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn. “Now,” he says, “where is that lady with the thorn in her foot”

 

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.

The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: “I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted.”

The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: “I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!”

Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: “Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun here again!?”

 

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy’s head is the size of a cue ball. “I got to ask, sir,” says the bartender. “What happened?” The old guy sighs and tells him, “My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s** with the mermaid.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “Then what happened?”
“Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have s**, so I asked her if I could just have a little head… .”

 

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. “I’m guessing from that accent you’re from Dublin?” he asks, in an Irish brogue. “Of course!” the 1st guy exclaims, “here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too.” Their exchange continues:
1st: Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?
2nd: St. Catherine Street. And you?
1st: St. Catherine Street, same as you!
2nd: Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?
1st: St. Jospeh’s Boy’s Academy.
2nd: Son of a **tch, I went to St. Joe’s too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!
This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, “What’s up with those two?” The bartender shrugs and says, “It’s the O’Shaughnessy twins, they’re drunk again.”

 

 

[major-mark63]

all good and new ones for me LOL

[Snap]

Very funny had a good laugh.