BigPapaDean

Suicide is a term man has devised to describe the act of death being self inflicted! When you think about it that means there are thousands of ways to accomplish this and nobody would be the wiser. Myself, while unintentional was starving myself to death and until some very bad complications showed up I didn't even realize I was close to dying by not ingesting food for my body to survive off of. I wonder if I had died would anyone had known? Maybe the undertaker and those privy to his findings. I rather doubt they would have informed my kids of this. I simply had no appetite to eat anything. This was totally out of character for me. My kids did encourage me to eat but because I was drastically over weight from years of depression and stuffing myself till I wqas sick from eating they seemed to think I was okay. I never asked them that question! I knew though how they felt about that word that brings so much sadness and heart ache to the ones left behind. It's been said that suicide is the most selfish act a person can do. In large I agree, but there are circumstances that it may be the only humane thing to do for someone in desperate pain with no relief in sight. For most this is a very sensitive subject but the fact of the matter it is very real and happens everyday to someone who has lost all hope and feels so unloved and desperate from feeling isolated, whether true or not, to them it is true. Let me tell you what happened to me so you know what I am talking about. When my nervous breakdown happened I thought that there was no way on earth I would ever do something so crazy to myself. I was way to much of a chicken and despite feeling down all the time I love living. Then that awful terrible time came when I was all alone in a house with my two youngest kids and the pain started way down deep in my soul. What I saw and experienced was so horrible and horrifying I had never been in this place before. I was standing at the edge of this huge deep and blackest hole I had ever imagined looking down into it and hurting so bad I was being drawn to it like a magnet. This went on every night for weeks on end and no one in my house had any idea. I had been taught all my life that what I was thinking about doing was an eternal damnable offense against God. Yet my pain had risen so high in intensity that the religious consequences were SHOVED to the side. I was hurting like I hope none of you ever have to experience. I have dealt wit constant physical pain all my life but my friends this pain was completely in another category of pain. My life had fallen apart and I became involved online with a young lady who when I fell into this darkness it scared her and she disappeared for a while. We had spent many hours gaming with each other and I just simply fell in love with her. When she disappeared I begin to think I had no hope at all. Everyone I loved except my family deserted me and I was having a very hard time digesting that thought. All this did was compounded the problem and I begi to slide closer and closer to that dark hole in my heart of hearts. I just simply want to die to stop the pain. It felt like there was no escape for me to sanity any more. The sanity where everything was comfortable. Later the young lady told me she felt so bad for me but she had er own issues in her life to deal with. I was forced to move on by her absence! Even when I was at my worst I know now God was with me closer than He was ever before. Most of you don't know this but I belong to a online gaming clan, and the help I needed came from there. God touched a dear young mother of three who had dealt with many of the same symptoms I was. We had for years used a gaming communications device to talk to each other in game when we wanted private communications. She said God told her I was in trouble and to get a hold of me through this device. I always left it on so if someone was online we could talk. She came online and talked to every night for three weeks keeping me in the game of life. She just listened and would tell me how much my family loved me and every one in our clan also. I was loved and respected by them because I was very caring and would help anyone with anything they needed. It was my one link to the outside world that when it got to hard to deal with I could just turn it off. Dealing with all the stress and pain I had seemed like an insurmountable task and I simply did not have the will to do it on my own. This where my dearest friend today came into my life those three long weeks of struggle and facing myself. My past life played a huge role in my reaction to reason I fell. I use to be as strong mentally as anyone I had ever known. I found myself examining everything about me and my life up to this time. I had a reveation that put me on a path to recovery but not without a daily fight every step of the way. God showed me He loved me regardless what I did or what I was up to then. I was a co-pastor of a small church and yet my heart wasn't in it. Something was wrong with the way we taught the scriptures and that had a definite role when my bo-pastor came talked to me and asked me if I wanted to resign I couldn't say yes fast enough. He told me to go save my marriage and I left. Little did he know there was no marriage to save.it was over and I knew it. Then came the beginning of my fall into this dark ugly frightening world. I am still here today but I never judge anyone who didn't have someone God sent their way to hold their hand and lead them back to the light of life. Don't ever just watch someone you love destroy themselves without doing everything in your power to save them. It is worth every effort you put into it. They do not need judgmental attitudes they just need to know you love them enough to go into that hole and bring them back out. The life you save may be your own child or family member! I am still here today because someone found the strength to put what God wanted them to do above their own sleep and even responsibilities. Before I go I want you all to lift her up to God because today she s facing the possibility of something as dreadful as cancer. She will be seeing her Dr this week for an MRI and testing to see what is wrong. I love her like se is my little sister and have been worried sick about her! She has been dealing with tjhis for several years and finally they are doing something to find out what the problem is. Her three kids do not know anything about this so please pray for her and her sweet little family!

My avatar is my grandbaby and my picture is real! Scary? Well that's okay! lol

It makes my heart warm when our youth turns to their faith for when things need the blessing from our Maker! I am happy to ask Him for the blessings you want Him to sestow upon you!

I need a printer that is versatile yet cheap! I need it to scan and print! I have one that has only been used 4 times and it always says paper jammed. I had it replaced once and the second one did the same thing. Can any one send me a link and advise me on this?

Not all but many do! https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=787417814617301

If you were to see something like this what would you think was going on? lol @Nisty lol

I have gotten to where there are maps I absolutely cannot see in I will leave and keep checking for a better map to p[lay in!

and very pretty!

Welcome Whitedragon! I will see ya in game! just cover your balls or you'll be like Harry balless! lmao!

you and your horsey has no balls lol!

I agree Mouse! Back when I was young and newly married my wife who come to find out had lots of mental and health problems, decided she was angry enough at me to accost me personally. I remained calm and grabbed her by her wrist and restrained her . I also told her very calmly, " I reserve the right to protect myself from anyone including you!" She seemed to realize if she kept going that she would be the ultimate looser and stopped and calmed down immediately!" There now ya'll know something new about me ya didn't know before! lol This guy will probably at least do some sort of community service for this uncalled for reaction!

Bazza I play BF4 with a GTX 760 2g card and have now problem even at the max! Its awesome graphics that way!

It's rather clear to me that these moronic teenagers have some serious issues of lack of compassion and understanding. I won't go so far as to blame the parents but as far as the responsibility goes it lands squarely on their heads. I raised three and when they did something wrong and stupid it came and knocked on my door. Remember the old adage you can't fix stupid? It seems to me that there are a whole lot of people who don't teach compassion to their kids. If someone is odd or strange to them that person becomes a target of every cruel and mean prank that they can muster up in their deviate minds. As far as punishment I am not sure what kind legally actually should be meted out for the crime of terrorizing and abusing an innocent boy who may not understand what even happened. Whatever the law says may not really be justice. We have several members with autism and I ask them what would be true justice for this kind of crime? I wonder if the perpetrators had to do two years personal service for the boy and family of the victim if they might learn what people like this lad deals with on a daily basis let alone from other stupid and ignorant morons such as themselves? At this point all we can do it wait andfsee what the LAW does about this despicable lack of judgement!

Honestly tho @@NITRO if we removed every map with a glitch then we would have far fewer maps than we have. Tempting maybe but there comes a time we all must be responsible for fair play and act like the damned glitch wasn't even there! If men acted like adults instead of doing anything, and I mean ANYTHING for one damned kill we wouldn't even need to police our servers would we? Well I know for a fact there are those who love to get cheap kills regardless if buy game standard if it is not honorable. How do I know this because they told me so! Anyway to bad he couldn't just be fair and jump up out of the glitch as look what it cost him?

Papithegun before you buy you need to determine what you want your mouse to do for you! If you don't knife ot run and gun but sit back and take it easy kind of playing then the cheapies will do for you. IF you want more then bro you will pay more! I have had the RAT7 X2 times and like odd said they work great for a short time then they break and are pointless to have. At the moment I have a Corsair Vengeance M65 It does not perform the way the Rat7 did but it has much greater overall dependability! M<y gaming style cslls for a very quick respnse so I look for the better brands which means you will pay more. Also the dpi on the higher priced ones are where you can manually set them where ever you want them. So think about it and themn go buy what you ether need or what your budget will handle. I been on both sides of that equation! Good luck and I hope you get one that performs well for you!

No it was the map where you're spawned half way under the map in a glitch! All you have to do is jump up and your out of it! I was shot several times but there was'nt anyone where he shot me from so I went to speck and sure enough he was shooting and kept doing it. For an experienced player on our servers he sure did a dumb thing here!

What mathematical equation did they use to compute this? lmao They must belong to the idiots we are taking over one at a time!

I know but is the trade off justified or not? Just asking!

Panzergirl I will NEVER play without my knives. But the throwing knife is a thing that really henders my playing style because of this being killed by my own knife I would never have thrown to begin with. I have only killed players by throwing a knife a small handful of times at best! If you look at the kills by weapons you can't even separate the thrown ones from the straight up ones. I would like to know how m,any have actually killed several times more than you get killed by your own knife? This definitely takes away from me playing my style. I know I am alone on the style I play but still it was added as just a see if we want to keep it to begin with. I hear several complaints about this throughout the day. We then have to explain to the ones complaining or asking about the why that we are just trying it out. I feel we have for the most part tried it out enough and PLEASE remove the throwing knives from the server! Thank you! What do you think @Rugger?

Over the last several months I have had my share of lag problems caused from a variety in game and between me and the server. I have recently changed over to Windows 8.1 and there has been a remarkable change on my end. I also bought a much better gaming router and that really helps too. The older one was bought because the one before that just totally gave out. There are two band eating machines in my house and they demand the best of data flow to run smooth. I know that there were upgrades to the server in Dallas and that seems to have helped a lot too. Tho when some of the high ping players come into the server and I still see it all around me and I still can't effectively kill them. It's not all of them but there are about 4 or five of them that run through most all of us local players. I love playing against them but when it's not an even playing field I believe something is wrong! I do not pretend to know what but definitely wrong! Here is why I say it's not on my end: That's a pretty solid line all along the data highway from Seattle to Dallas if you ask me.

Sall your IP and ask them to run a diagnostics on your connection and their modem! Then check your ping to the server of your choice. If you need help there are those here I am sure would be willing to help! There is a program called ping plotter and you can get it here! http://www.pingplotter.com/freeware.html This can tell you where the problem is!

Thanks @@djMot but when I found it it was exactly like I remember so I took care of it me own little self! Thanks guys for all your help!