RobMc

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do..' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for forty years.'

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Jack, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'. The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says Jack. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says Jack. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself". The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know", he said, "but the darts team hasn't"!

Bedtime it is, wife says that's fine How does a Union leader begin to read his kids stories at bedtime?? 'Once upon a time and a half'

If I were a dirty old man I'd type bedtime story ??? What would you like dear on the 13th? a bedtime story???

First paragraph, but don't worry all will get their turn

Erasumus Shuttlecock opened his eyes slowly and grudgingly, he didn’t want the dream to go away. Last night he had wiped the floor with Pink, P3nhead, Fry,Sharpe and all the other wannabe great players in COD4. He was now the greatest player Ftag had ever seen. This completed the set, he’d already headed the field in COD2 and WAW, surely now they would bestow on him the ultimate honour, to join the clan and eventually oust the Seniors and reign supreme in the world of gaming. After all he was a young 47, still living with mam and dad, but with years of gaming ahead of him, to which his life was dedicated. Occasionally he longed for a girlfriend you didn’t have to inflate, but hey ho, every great player makes sacrifices don’t they? Besides which he knew she loved him judging by the squeaks and hisses when he kissed her. The only drawback was that he knew everyone hated him, even more than that Robmc, and boy was he hated. That was the problem, you had to get asked and no one would talk to him, they all faked stealth mode now when he played. The man who had asked Robmc all those years ago had been punished by wandering around in limbo, looking for someone to play with, R.I.P. Beers. No one would risk asking him to join, they’d be fed to Piglo in an instant, a fate worse than playing all morning with MajBasil, they wouldn’t risk that? He could join Essssieeee, Dot and Bio on their Ftag server, but he knew what happened to those getting close to Essssieeee by Rob, no on second thoughts MajBasil would be a preferable fate. So how to do it?? And then he had a thought?? How about if I married into the Clan?? Brilliant, couldn’t refuse me then, might even make some tiny idiots for Piglo to feed on. He looked through the members section, picturing the wedding already, surrounded by gamers, headsets on and frantic with energy, wait until she saw his joystick, it was a done deal. They could honeymoon at the next conference, now who should he choose?? Better start at the top he thought :- Gatorgirl, risky?, I’d have to contend with her Texan cowboy bodyguard, armed to the teeth WldPenguin, possible, but too much competition in game, sexy voice distracting Sally, a definite probable love her ftag server, would mean changes in my gaming Ausigirl, too far away to return to Mam and Dad if things went ‘tit’s up’. CrazyGirl, the name puts me off AthenaA, Lovely lady but I don’t speak French, already has loads of kids Essssieeee?, no chance of getting between Rob and Bio, they’d destroy me with prose or germs Moving down to members it hit me like a SledgeHammer, how did I miss her, the perfect woman for me. ICEQUEEN, it ‘s so obvious, a quiet homely girl, not wild like the others, demure, quiet and deadly with a ‘weapon’, especially the larger ones. I’ll PM her a.s.a.p. with my proposal, how could she resist? I’ll let you know who’s invited to the wedding. Soon I’ll be an Idiot, just like all my friends

A rugby player is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders around of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: 'Had him circumcised...'

Mrs Dunn heard that Paddy was going to London. She popped along to see him, and asked if he would look up her daughter Nellie, as she went to London 2 years ago, and other than a postcard, had no contact. Sure, said Paddy, whats her address? Well, said Mrs Dunn, we only got a postcard, and its marked WC2. OK said Paddy, consider it done. So he arrives in London, and needs a piss, so he goes into the gents, and see's a row of doors marked WC1, WC2, WC3 etc. Wow struck lucky he says, and goes up the the door marked WC2 and bangs on the door. What do ya want? a voice calls out. Paddy says, are you Nellie Dunn? And the voice comes back, well I would be but I have no paper. So Paddy shouts WELL THATS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR NOT WRITING TO YOUR MA FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS.

TBB rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says TBB, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

Budman was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Old Sean O'Farrell, the kingpin of the Irish mob in Boston, is on his deathbed. He calls his grandson to his side and tells the lad, "Paddy, I'm going to leave you my chrome plated 38 revolver so that you will always remember me." "But grandpa", lamented Paddy, "I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?" Grandpa O'Farrell reaches up and pulls Paddy closer to him and says, "You listen to me carefully. Someday you are going to be the head of the organization. Someday you are going to have lots of money, a big home and a beautiful wife. And maybe someday you are going to come home and find your wife in the torrid embrace of another man. What are you going to do then? Point at your watch and say, 'Times up!'?"

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back Of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman Remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags my Dear those are your tits." She which she replied , "No point asking about the beard then.!!.....

Little @baldie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little @baldie said, "Oh, right." Satisfied with the answer he went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later @baldie came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Rob's mum wants to talk to you."

An American tourist in Dublin decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately Georgian residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. After all those pints he really, really had to go. Soon he found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem. As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by Police Officer Murphy, who said, "What might you be doing?" "I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Right," said Officer Murphy, " follow me". He led him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there," pointed the officer. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The American entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the gate, he said to the officer, "That was really decent of you...is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?" "No sir," replied Officer Murphy, "that is what we call the English Embassy".

The teacher asked little Rugger if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” Rugger replied. “My dad taught me.” “Good. What number comes after three?” “Four,” answered Rugger. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after 10?” “Jack, Queen, and King.” Now don't forget that next time in Vegas

Perhaps a bit too far for Rob ???

Oh boy, do you have issues

You cutting back on men nowadays Queenie??

I got mortal drunk last night, didn't know where I was, woke up this morning with a splitting headache in this filthy bed stinking of piss. Next to me was this enormous fat woman snoring her head off, foul breath, hairy armpits and an unwiped arse. Thank God I said, at least I made it home

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. ‘First body: @Biotech from Belgium, 50, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner. ‘Second body: @BUDMAN from Florida, 65, won $100,000 on the lottery, spent it all on Bud Light. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’ The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: @TBB from New Jersey, 80, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’

And there is the problem with the world, people don't talk or reason, their beliefs are always right, even if the vast majority think they are wrong, ever been thus.

Last night in my usual drunken state before retiring I clicked on a comment by Basil and giving my usual type of reply, COMPLETELY MISSING THAT THE POST WAS ABOUT 9/11. My sincere apologies to all, it was unintentional and I see it has rightfully been removed, Rob hangs his head in shame, forgive me.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" I answered "Yes." They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said "I know, but she's a great cook and she's good with the kids."

Usually both, encouraged by our new Deputy Prime Minister who thinks men can grow a cervix and the successor to Henry the eighth was Henry the seventh, we're in safe hands.