RobMc

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm????????????????????????? Perhaps this joke is a little too subtle for the average idiot?? Fat C..t Fact Hunt I do try

A friend recently applied to Channel 4 - and got this back... Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming reality show and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter. Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel 4

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to Load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled " Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly Too afraid to speak. Then, one old farmer named Bill from Alberta tentatively raised his hand and said "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..."

Dr. Malone and wife, Katherine, were in the kitchen having a good old fashioned row during breakfast with plenty of yelling and cross words. Dr. Malone got up from the table in a rage, saying, “And you are no good in bed either!” and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Several hours later, in between seeing patients, Dr. Malone realized that he had been nasty to his wife and decided to apologize to her, so, he called her at home. After the phone had rung many times, Katherine finally picked up. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” Katherine replied, “I was in bed.” “In bed at this time of day, doing what?” Katherine replied, “Getting a second opinion!” My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailment and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. sadly, after that, he went downhill quickly I met a guy in the pub who said he would kill the wife for £1000 He said one clean shot just below her left breast. I said I want her killed not kneecapped

You trying to kill me off girl?? remember us old men have weak hearts. What's the matter my lovely, boyfriend troubles?? don't worry one will come along that's perfect, you're a romantic and very few men are the same. I was in the pub the other day with the wife and looking at my drink, 'I love you' I said 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she said I replied ' I was talking to the beer'

When I finally die Essssiee I'll try to die quietly in my sleep just like my old grandad Unlike his passengers who were screaming

I'm 90

Get your hair cut, and are you too drunk to use two fingers now??

Counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a green envelope containing $1000 in cash. It happened week after week. One Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw little old Mrs. Doyle put the distinctive green envelope in the plate. After the service, he approached her and said, “Mrs. Doyle, I couldn't help notice that you regularly put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” "Why yes," she replied. "Every week me son Rob sends me cash, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" Mrs. Doyle replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "Rob is a veterinarian." "That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does Rob practice?" Mrs. Doyle said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

The TBB asked old man Budman on his 69th birthday the secrets to his longevity. Budman replied, "For better digestion I drink beer. In case of appetite loss I drink white wine. In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the event of high blood pressure I drink whiskey. When I have a cold I drink bourbon.” TBB was amazed and inquired, "When do you drink water?" "I don't." responded Budman, "I've never been that sick

A man and woman in their thirties meet on a dating site, fall in love and get married. They’re on their honeymoon and lying by the pool, all of a sudden the man gets up, folds his towel and lays it on his sunbed. He strolls to the high board, climbs it and runs to the end jumping into the air and doing a reverse 4 1/2 somersault in the pike position, entering the water without a ripple. He nonchalantly returns to his sunbed, picks up his towel and lies down, seeing his new wife staring at him he tells her he used to be an Olympic gold diving champion. Without a word she stands up, folds her towel, places it on her sunbed and dives into the pool and swims 400 lengths. Getting out she returns to her sunbed and lies down, ‘wow’ were you an Olympic champion too he asks? No, she replies, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool and I worked both sides of the river’

CEO of a multi-national corporation was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional vice-president. He included a simple test to help him to select the most suitable person for the job. During the interviews, he asked each applicant the following question, “How much is two and two?” The first applicant was an Englishman. His answer to the question was “twenty-two”. The second applicant was a German. He established the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was an American. He stated that the US Supreme Court has ruled two and two to be four. The last applicant was an Irishman. The CEO asked Paddy, “How much is two and two?” Paddy got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it. He then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and in a low voice asked the CEO, “How much do you want it to be?”

Was in Ikea the other day looking for a new Iron Maiden and I lost the wife, spotted this beautiful girl looking at beds, so I moved across to her, 'mind if I talk to you for a while' I said. 'Why?' she replied, 'well it's just that whenever I talk to a beautiful girl like you my wife miraculously appears'

Was the ring still intact?? or had the precious been taken by the Orcs in the key swapping ceremony??

Sorry buddy my gaming days are over

I'll bet you would Dutch, nice one (even though most won't get it) Still flying ???

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend. His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.” His friend asked, “You told her you were 40?” No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!” Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

A Ducati mechanic ( Royalty of all Trades) dies in a road accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Ducati mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Ducati mechanic the Royalty of all Trades" "Congratulations for what????" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The Ducati mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "When was I born?" "Yesterday?" I replied.

Thanks Kapt, that ruined the joke for most of you then?

A newlywed goes on his honeymoon and wants to give his new bride a honeymoon to remember, he takes with him some liquid Viagra to ensure he doesn't fail in consummating the marriage. After a steamy session the first night he switches out the light and reaches for the Viagra, but by mistake grabs a bottle of Tippex and drinks it, he awakens the next morning to the largest correction he's ever had.

Hi Ghostie, my very old mate, great to see you're ok and happy

Selling my dogging gear on Ebay, no bids but hundreds watching The old ones still get a laugh

No still alive and well (fairly) good to see you're mostly all good too, but like any sensible old man I'm making preparations. Just today I told my family to scatter my ashes in front of the fridge