RobMc

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle class w*nkhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just ****ted your daughter, and now the bitch is blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the **** you get sh*t on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I f*cking wrote it!!!'

I remember your covid joke (think it was you) I was completely fooled which is rare, I like tying flies too (in trousers), well done buddy

Hey that's an idea, a woke Rob ?????????? No? Never work would it?

Love it buddy, now put your steel helmet on because that remark won't go down well, they think it's just us in the UK, God forbid you remind them of how they got their land. That is truly a great find and glad to see you're not a moonlighter, we have lost so many treasures to those criminals. One of the sad things is for the average person we can only detect metals, imagine if you dug another foot and discovered the skeleton of the man who held it and clues how he died? I have in the past ten years become fascinated by the Romans, especially North of the wall as it is a misconception that they never conquered Scotland, which of course they did following the battle of Mons Graupius. They built huge marching camps and forts all over Scotland especially the borders, wouldn't it be great to discover a Roman in armour? I live North of the wall and when I could looked for the camps, roads and settlements clearly marked on ordnance survey maps. That is when I realised the wall was a back up defence as Roman influence extended way beyond it, I once did a walk with the county archaeologist he really opened my eyes. I look forward to your next finds

I hope Dot hasn't been gossiping ??

It's OURS, we owned the world so it's ours, but cross our palms with silver and we might give you things back (you pay the postage). Got some nice Greek marbles on offer this month.

I've always wanted to collect 'miniatures'

@jointz is our resident lesbian expert especially Tongue and Groove, that boy loves woodwork, good for him too keeps him from drink and drugs

You couldn't be 'hot' even working in a sauna, I was disappointed at Christmas, the two lesbians next door had asked me what I wanted as a present, and they gave me a watch ?

Of course you can my dear, could Rob 'pop your cork' ???? Oh Oh here comes Bio

Come on???? that black patch isn't near big enough is it?

A very serious question and survey that came to me watching several suspicious characters around the toilets in the park this morning, so whatever you are at the moment what would you prefer to return as, I list a few pro's and cons. Secondly what period in history and what occupation would you like to do, me I'd come back as a boy again and as Pablo Escobar, I love zoos. GIRLS Pro's - Sex is easier to get, you are clean and tidy, people don't mock you in makeup Con's - Parking, getting drunk can land you in a heap of trouble, you have to buy makeup BOYS Pro's - No need to bathe every day, picking your nose is viewed as normal, you can lift heavy weights Con's - You constantly worry about the size of your dick, you can't wear dresses or makeup, you worry at being ousted as the worlds best driver INBETWEEN Pro's - You can have sex with everyone, you can wear any clothes, you can choose to wear what you like Con's - Toilet choice, having to speak really gruff or in a falsetto, careful hairstyle choice necessary What would you be?

Sorry to hear that Wayne, but I know you were expecting it, yes I went through all that with my parents and it is not a pleasant thing to do. I don't think I'll be here long this time and hope both you and your family, especially those lovely grandkids have a happy and untroubled life in this troubled world. Sadly as you can see in these forums humour and discussion are being stifled just as it is outside, human beings really have a very low level of intelligence don't they?

Well congratulations @Majbasil for not doing the normal Americans tour of London, Paris etc and going somewhere nice, although it's very quiet and not for some.

OMG Basil, what an opportunity you missed, that's where I've been, monster hunting, if only you'd known I'm sure you'd have shared a sleeping bag, I was on the opposite side of the loch, damn

Reinforce the door and keep the stash by the toilet ???????????????

Don't think of it as a 'problem' buddy, relax, open a few tins and that parcel for Christmas from Crack, sit back and think WTF? Then boot your computer, right out of the window, that's better isn't it?? no one to kick your ass now?, lie down and dream you're a great player, which of course you've always been in your dreams. All of the worries will now go until the door comes in on a bust tracing that parcel, life is now simple on bread and water in solitary Thank me later

Hi Wayne, I wish, as we're both lovers of these implements it saddens me to say no, I gave up gaming and devoted myself to fishing, but winters here so I thought I'd annoy these fckrs for a while, a man needs entertainment, still no Moose?

I don't know buddy?, they may be trying to remove all traces of ol Rob? I suspect it's because I had the most medals, jealousy is a terrible thing

If you pick up a Thai girl in a bar and she takes you home If she reverse parks run like hell

I remember my last visit to Thailand, I walked into a bar and stopped dead, leaning against the bar in a clinging red dress was the loveliest girl I had ever seen, our eyes met Don't get a hard on Don't get a hard on Don't get a hard on I muttered But she did

Hi Key, hope you bought Dot something nice for Christmas? Oh you know the score in the words of Clint Eastwood 'Hell is in town'

And great to see you're still there my old friend

And to you buddy ps Essssieeee doesn't like champagne