RobMc

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos (Lifesavers across the pond). He gave all the children the same kind of Polo/Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: 'Red............cherry,' 'Yellow.........lemon,' 'Green............lime,' 'Orange ........orange.' Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos/Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

That's my boy buddy, stay indoors practicing your tenons and dovetails, in minus 40, keeps you warm, do you live in that tree??

You have used the same youtube video in two posts now one after the other Kapt?

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Wow you blow the lines?? the rest of the states snort them?? you must be loaded??

Aw? Essssieeee

@2_MANY_BEERS , the electrician, got sacked from the U.S.. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

How could I?, who are you again? ?

Double back seats eh??

Don't fear @Essssieeee I haven't reached the last stage

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and are very pretty. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is also good. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at theGasthaus Gutenberger because they have never been there before.

Well as a man who also has little to say, Happy Birthday, I'm Rob, I have birthdays too, problem is there are too many of them. Why are you self named Sgt Fish?? tell Rob the story, do you have strong odours?? scaly skin? bulging eyes??, never fear Rob can fix them all. Pop round to my place for a bit of bait, I'll fix us up some tasty Sushi with a worm side dish. Afterwards you can have a lie down on a nice marble slab in my garage and while you sleep I'll make you perfect, filleted to perfection, scales removed, do you take ice with your water?? try it you'll love it.

I used to have a lake full of them, then I bought a Pike, now I need a hand to catch them

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Dave: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope. Dave: - Well then, you're a :wanker:.

Man passes a begger in the street, Begger says 'any change mate?' Man says 'no, iv still got a big house and a nice car'

The only Hood is Robin Hood, steals from the rich and gives to the poor, unlike the fucking dealer ?

15 year old boy comes down stairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch, his dad asks where you going dressed like that and carrying a torch lad says I'm going courting, so dad sits him down and tells him how he used to go out courting, but he said he never took a torch, lad looks up at him and says 'yeah and look what you bloody ended up with' ?

He was a great comedian

As Sunderland now lead Man City in the Tables lets hope it stays that way @monkie The Iraqi Footballer Pep Guardiola flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to England. Two weeks later City are 4-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for City. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Premiership football. 'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me ˆ the fans, the media they all adore me'. 'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, he's in hospital; your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and our bags stolen, our car is on bricks and the tyres gone, your brother has joined a gang of drug users; and all the while you were having such a great time'. The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' explodes his Mum. 'It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place'!!

FFS Kapt IT'S A JOKE

He needs a new girlfriend ?

???? this was her request in the shoutbox?? just keeping her happy, wtf this has to do with AI and apps is beyond me, I'm just a poor psychologist eh??

The things we do for you @Icequeen

Drive thru cashpoint machines Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time. MALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Wind down your car window. 3) Insert card into machine and enter pin. 4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5) Wind up window. 6) Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine. 3) Restart the stalled engine. 4) Wind down the window. 5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6) Turn the radio down. 7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car. 9) Insert card. 10) Re-insert card the right way up. 11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 12) Enter PIN 13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN 14) Enter amount of cash required. 15) Check make up in rear view mirror. 16) Retrieve cash and receipt. 17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 18) Place receipt in back of cheque book. 19) Recheck make up again. 20) Drive forward 2 metres. 21) Reverse back to cash machine. 22) Retrieve card 23) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into slot provided. 24) Restart stalled engine and proceed. 25) Drive for 2-3 miles. 26) Release handbrake.