RobMc

Molly is a cute and inquisitive four-year-old girl. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out the wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so Daddy. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

Key was already drunk when he walked into the pub and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. Key immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no-good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," Key muttered, "you even sound exactly like Dot?."

In Scotland, a recent survey of women, who had been married for ten years or more had the following results. Eighty percent thought their bum was too fat. Fifteen percent of married women said their bum was too thin. The remining five percent said they didn’t care; they would have married him anyway.

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling. Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up. For you TBB

Katie, Kathy and Colleen were sitting together in their retirement home, reminiscing about the good old days when they were much younger. Katie recalled going shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. Kathy nodded in agreement, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Colleen, who is stone deaf, remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.” Bet Dot likes this one?

One last thing Mike (besides you once said you'd keep a bed for me) there is serious talk about some of the most persecuted citizens seeking asylum in the USA, did anyone ever think we would get to that??? Anyway no more as I'm not in the political column now, this will be the last.

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet. An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'. The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees,but still nothing'. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

A man had an accident whilst at his work bench and thought he should phone his wife. "Hello dear. I'm afraid I've chopped off one of my fingers." "What! The whole finger?" "No. The one next to it."

Brilliant love it

So was everything else mate, enjoy it as long as you can, by the way try a tripod, big difference to a bipod you can get some fairly light ones using modern materials.

Only when you're pissed or stoned as far as I can tell In fact I'll add to this, I was at a wildlife sanctuary with the wife today, and after I'd released her I went for a coffee in the cafe. I could hear these two women behind me, both artists, talking drivel about how to photograph birds. It's easy, get them stripped down to underwear or bikinis and try not to shake as you press the shutter. Nothing to it

Even I know this one, although Weed never mentioned a calibre as far as I can see You are correct a 270 carries more velocity and a flatter trajectory, perfect for long ranges, which is probably why Sparkshunter chose it?? Perfect for where he shoots, no trees or undergrowth But it isn't the best for short distances, such as trees or undergrowth as it may be too powerful and pass straight through without dumping all it's energy into the kill and merely wounding. 30-30 may not have the penetration but it will have the killing power. Am I correct boys, you hunt more than me??

My God, do you believe this shit??

You are

Trust these aren't together Harry??

Father Flanagan was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival St. Patrick’s parish. "You will understand," he said as he started his speech, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first lad, who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I soon realised that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as Father Flanagan finished his talk, Sean O’Sullivan, the leading local politician arrived full of apologies at being late (as always). He immediately began to make his speech to the assembled crowd. "I’ll never forget the first day our Father Flanagan arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more yacht club. Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account." "But, he said, "The decision is all yours." Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Bobby?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says the husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies !

Yes it's very worrying, we have had many people arrested for flying the national flag, and even one county Essex offering their staff free counselling if they are offended by the national flag. These minority lunatics are driving us nearer to a civil war, and I'm not joking, we are very near. The results are predictable, flags now fly from every lamp post in the land, mini roundabouts and zebra crossings now have the red cross of St George painted on them. There is a patriots march on the 13th, that will be interesting, our government are now loathed by the people. One side effect unfortunately (due to their own foolishness) is that the populace have now turned against the police. Anyway this is not the place to discuss this but things may go very bad, very quickly and they've craftily taken all our guns away, make sure you keep yours. We no longer have freedom of speech, we have political prisoners, we have illegals treated better than natives, a concerted effort to erase our culture, and a certain religion treated far better than Christianity. To cap all of that we are broke and our economy in collapse, what can possibly go wrong??? Lock and load

Oh they'll get it in around two weeks bless them, I persevere, how are you buddy??

Hey that's a bit rough on old Sparks Mark? I'm sure his mommy loved him (even if the midwife smacked his father)

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied 'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.' The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said 'You see that bridge over there?' The Spaniard replied 'No.'

Forgive Harry - he's old, what he means is that to him it is just a memory

Send the rear end to Kapt, he'll stuff it for you, send the front end to Budman, one kiss and it'll be pickled, then send it to TBB and he'll 'mount' it.

Just this joke ?????

Nowadays they'd still be virgins