BeerGoat

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
 
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."
 
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is
in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
 
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied

A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
 
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
 
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
 
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
 
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"
 
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

Two men were having coffee when one of them said: Last night, my son just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes and everything I own out my bedroom window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop and give them to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car. Take my front door key away from me, kick me solidly in the nuts and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will.
 
The other man said:" Wow, he really said that?"
 
"Well, he didn't put it quite that way. He actually said 'Dad, I've decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign.' "

I got stuck in Phoenix tonight. So I said F it. I'm staying in a 4 star hotel downtown. But while at work today I saw one of my bretheren.
 

'Rilla
Just missed you in Rockford. I was there really recently. (What a shithole, by the way. Wait, I live in Detroit - never mind)
 
You gotta keep us up to speed where u are. Maybe peeps can hook up and split a cold one with ya

it is sad how rap has destroyed itself and how the masses eat up today's garbage. I long for the days of the original rappers that could actual spit lyrics that actually meant something, not this stupid shit. Anyone can stand there and say fuck and bitch and n****r and "im a wild boy" and try to look tough on top of a hot beat.

The lyrics say it all "I'm a wild boy"...emphasis on the word boy 'cause they don't have what it takes to be a man... :)

yep but the more it offends the more they like it...

 
Short of using a crossbow that your neighbors won't hear, I have a friend that laid rows of PVC pipe down around his beds and the deer woudn't cross them. I guess the theory is the same as a cattle crossing in a road. The cows know they can't walk across the grate and avoid them.

Move, the deer were there first.

This is what life will be like in the year 2000.......

hehe, saw that in my college's paper today..here's the write-up.
 
European residents are well known for being more liberal than most, but the greatest part of this story is that it has nothing to do with hippie socialists at all. This is an actual story about an actual town. Residents of Fucking, Austria, (you read that correctly. The name of the town is "Fucking") are thinking about changing the name of the town after enduring years of taunting from American tourists and soldiers. Residents -- let's call them Fuckers, shall we -- are fed up with Fucking postcards, Fucking Christmas cards, and even Fucking beer being sold to profit off their town. The mayor said that the only problem with changing the name is that "we need all of the Fucking residents to agree" to the change. I just wrote fuck seven times in the biggest paper in Orange County. Eight, actually. Happy end-of-semester, everybody.

A man and woman, both in their 60's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
 
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
 
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
 
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
 
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.
 
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
 
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
 
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
 
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”
 
The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from BUPA.”

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
 
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, mypet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie.
Sitting next to him are two old women. The one closest to the old guy nudges her companion and whispers, "Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Her companion whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
"I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!!"

Some of our overseas members are using BabelFish to translate when they post but they're still difficult to understand. So I tried an experiment. I took the following and entered it into Babelfish:
 
"Rugger is XI's clan chief. He sucks donkey dicks. Greywolf is a senior admin. He screws chickens every Saturday night. Sundays, he begs forgiveness from his priest. Then there's Hxtr, who is on loan to XI from the giggling factory."
 
Then, I translated it from English to German, and then, from German back to English. I got this:
 
"Rugger is XI' S-Clanleiter. It sucks donkey Dicks. Greywolf is an older admin. It screws chickens each Saturday night. Sundays, he asks a forgiving of its priest. Then there' s Hxtr, which is on loans to XI of that the Kichern factory."
 
Then I took the above and translated it into Japanese and back again, and got this:
"As for Rugger XI' So it is; S-Clanleiter. That inhales the hateful person of the donkey. Greywolf is older admin. Every that tightens the night chicken of Saturday with the screw. Sunday, he asks that the priest permits. Then there' S Hxtr where the factory of XI Kichern is that loan."
 
And to finish it off, the above to Russian and back:
 
"As for Rugger XI' So it; S -Clanleiter. That inhales hateful persona of donkey. Greywolf older admin. Each which involves the chicken of night Saturday with the screw. Sunday, he asks that priest it allows. After this, there' S Of hxtr where the factory XI Of kichern that I eat."
 
No wonder our foreign friends sound like they're nuts!!

that stuff will get you drunk!!

I am PROUD, PLEASED, OVERWELMED, OVER RUN, RUN DOWN, BEAT UP, BENT OVER AND SICK TO MY BEEPPPPP!
 
WE NOW HAVE A NEW MAP TO PUT ON OUR SERVERS, JUST FINISHED TONIGHT MY FIRST BUT YET MY SECOND MAP HAHA! ITS CALLED; mp_simple_city !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Well really simple is last damn thing it has been!
 
After much help from LABOB>XI< and my new friends from codutility I was able to see my minimap and loadscreen for the first time just 10 minutes ago!
 
I just wanted to let my family know!
 
Rugger & Grey, I'll get with you guys tomorrow. I need a brain rest right now

Thought this was good and thought I would share with some of those who might appreciate it. =D
 

 
Do you hear "No I Fucking don't" often? ... My ex-wife was ALWAYS saying that!!
Now I have a baby Daughter ... and I'm totally fucked, for LIFE!

There is no such thing as a "British" accent!
Using that term is rather like referring to a "North American" accent.
I think you could guess how Canadians and Mexicans might react.
 
The "British" live in the four countries of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
So, a "British" accent could be from England, Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland! Within each of
the constituent countries, there are regional accents. This linguistic diversity can be traced back to
ancient times, for example the Liverpudlian accent is said to have been heavily influenced by the
Norwegian settlers who arrived there in the days of the Vikings.
 
More recently, street talk in London, e.g. Jafaican, has its roots in the Caribbean.
 
Dick Van Dyke's appalling imitation of Cockney should not be used as a model for students.
 
The regional accents used by English people in the north and north-east feature pronunciations
more faithful to the Germanic roots of our tongue - water is "watter" not "worter", mother is "mooh-ther"
not "mather". Down south (darn sarf), we speak differently (I've heard it described as "Cockney with a bit of
yokel included" by a Yorkshireman with whom I used to work).
 
We can thank William Caxton for our standardised spelling. He drew heavily from English usage in the Midlands
(the old Angle territories) to establish our norms.
 
"Received Pronunciation" (RP) as practised by our Prime Minister is a "manufactured" accent that was favoured by the BBC
so everyone could understand what was being broadcast. These days, it is not as popular. The north-eastern accent
(similar to but stronger than SOB's) has been determined to be that most trusted by people (so call centres abound in
the north-east!). RP, however, is associated with dishonesty and a lack of trustworthiness ( I wonder why???!!!).
 
Now watch the instructional video...
 

I hear ya about the hopping and yes it is frustrating at times, it is part of the game and is allowed so it's a shame you feel you need to hand in your tags because of it. >XI< is more than just the game and the servers, it's about community and playing the games with a good bunch of regular folks and shooting the shit with. Anyway, either way, hope to see you in the servers still and if not, happy gaming to you.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
 
 
Again, she tried to make the step only todiscover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzipa little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
 
 
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."