STARPICKET

It's Football Season again!
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains
real hard!
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits himself.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 

Lol

Don't give a flying f*ck. Anyone coming through my door will be face to face with something they wish they didn't

QUESTION:  You're on duty by yourself (don't How do you tell the difference  between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police  Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police Officer? Don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it.  However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?
ANSWER:
English  Police  Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Has he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?  
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my  job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police  Officer:
BANG !
American Police  Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !
Glasgow Police  Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

How do you turn a Lemon on?
Lick its Citrus.

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!
‘‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added:
‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Specially for minge face