Dogg

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

A Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled to her two dogs “Here Soap! ... Here Water!”

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

Ok so this mortician had a habit of cutting the corpses penis off, he did this for many years, he kept them in a jar on the shelf. Anyway, he decided he had enough penis in a couple large jars and he took them to a taxidermist to see what he could make from them. This process took years, but one day the mortician got a call from the taxidermist, he told him to come down and see what he thought. Mortician walks into taxidermist’s office and he hands the mortician a plain simple wallet. Mortician asks, “What’s this, that’s all you got from all those dicks?!?” Taxidermist said “Relax, would ya, when you rub it, it becomes luggage”.

So my son and I were at the hardware store earlier. We were getting a bike tire repair kit, and he noticed a bike compass. Commenting on it, he said “It’s working properly.”
I said, “that’s because it’s not a Tate’s compass.”
He looked at me funny, so I decided to give him a little history lesson.
“Emmanuel Tate was an immigrant from Europe in the late 1800s. After landing at Ellis Island, he traveled all around the Americas (mostly because he could never get his bearings) with a compass he had created himself. After an arduous trek from Mexico to Canada (while looking for Detroit), Tate finally settled down in Kansas, where he founded the Tate Compass Company. Using his self-taught skills, Tate cranked out a series of compasses, none of which ever worked, often sending their users in vastly different directions than they had hoped for. Regardless of this massive inconvenience, the compasses had an almost cult following for a while, until WWI, when Prince Ferdinand’s driver was using a Tate’s to drive the monarch through town. All but forgotten now, the Tate legacy still lives on, as everybody knows that, ‘He Who Has A Tate’s Is Lost’.”

After ten years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, You don’t remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there! The wife fainted!!!

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

After ten years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, You don’t remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there! The wife fainted!!!

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

Some Silver Surfers know, sometimes they have trouble with computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’ He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Georgie grinned... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The man grinned and said, ‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’ The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’ ‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied... ‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit... ‘
... Women can be so cruel!!

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

A Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled to her two dogs “Here Soap! ... Here Water!”

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

Sweet innocent granny Spratt was at the doctor getting a physical. After the exam the doc asked her if she had any issues she wanted to discuss
“Well, I’ve been really gassy lately. But since they are silent and have no smell it isn’t a big deal, in fact I’ve let about 20 go during this exam.”
So the doc wrote her a prescription and told her to come back in a month. A month later granny returned to the doctor
“I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me, but my farts have started to have a horrible stench.”
The doc said “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we need to get you a hearing aid.”

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The man grinned and said, ‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’ The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’ ‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied... ‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit... ‘
... Women can be so cruel!!

A Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled to her two dogs “Here Soap! ... Here Water!”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.
He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

Sweet innocent granny Spratt was at the doctor getting a physical. After the exam the doc asked her if she had any issues she wanted to discuss
“Well, I’ve been really gassy lately. But since they are silent and have no smell it isn’t a big deal, in fact I’ve let about 20 go during this exam.”
So the doc wrote her a prescription and told her to come back in a month. A month later granny returned to the doctor
“I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me, but my farts have started to have a horrible stench.”
The doc said “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we need to get you a hearing aid.”

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’