Not my best but I'm watching the Rugby (American football without armour)

[RobMc]

There was a flash, followed almost instantly by a tremendous flash of thunder, as though coming on stage out popped the head of the baby boy. The rest of him followed quickly and picking him up the midwife took one look then slapped the father. It had been a long gruelling birth and the mother was exhausted, aching all over her body. The midwife placed the tiny baby in her arms and the new mother burst into tears, ‘Are you certain he’s mine’ she cried, he’s so ugly? ‘Oh he’s definitely yours’ said the Midwife, ‘but I’m not so sure he’s the fathers’?
‘Look at him, eyes like two knots in an Oak plank, chisel jawed, ears like handles and a mouth like an open door, this baby has a purpose in life. The exhausted mother then proudly announced his name, I’m going to call him Jointz after my pains, the father Arthur Itis nodded his agreement, and his future was sealed.
His prevalence and love of everything to do with carpentry and wood began as a baby, he wouldn’t play with plastic toys or metal, every toy was wooden. His baby shoes were clogs, wooden spoons and bowls, and by the time he went to nursery he already had a nickname ‘Splinter’. His first advantage in life was being born in Canada, he was surrounded by trees, fricking millions of them, a lucky lad.
From the word go he was unusual, given a silver axe at his christening he soon got the real thing, much to the horror of parents inviting him to kiddies parties, eventually he got the chop. She was a sweet little blond girl with pigtails who tried to offer him a sweetie, the doctors are hopeful that her newly stitched on hand will function properly. 
This got him grounded for a while but he was eventually allowed in school, although the other kids kept their distance. Teachers were unsettled teaching the crucifixion at Easter, when ignoring Christs suffering his only interest was in the type of nails used? This obsession ran throughout his school life and it was obvious to all he would eventually, like Jesus, become a carpenter.

And so it came to pass, his fame spread throughout the land, they waited for his creations and raved over his designs. But he wasn’t happy, the strain upon him was tremendous, even with the best glues he began to fall apart. The loneliness and fame made him ‘come out of the closet’, a closet that was self made. At one stage he even considered drinking, smoking and taking drugs, but luckily he fell in love. Unfortunately she was another’s, with a heart as cold as ice and repeatedly called him an idiot. He still longs to be normal, not an idiot, but that day looks a long way off, prayers for Jointz.