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Posted

Famous one-liners from one of my favorite comedians.

 

I went out and bought a present for my wife's vagina the other day.............................de-icer

 

The doctor told my grandmother that if she walks 1 mile a day for the rest of her life she will live a long time. She started doing this a month ago. We have no clue where she is

 

 

Some Amy Winehouse jokes - you knew they were coming

My dyslexic friend sent me a text the other day, to tell me that there had been a death at the army warehouse

 

Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse’s home please form a line? It’s what she would’ve wanted. 

 

ELTON JOHN WILL SING AT AMY WINEHOUSE FUNERAL, HE HAS RECORDED AN NEW SONG CANDLE UNDER THE SPOON

 

whats brown and illegal in 491 countries? Amy winehouses ashes

 

Amy winehouses dad has been told if she is cremated he will not be able to have her ashes..... they would be classed as a class A drug.

 

 

mr jones gets a call from his doctor saying that he need talk to him asap, when he gets there doctor explains that there has been a mixup with his wifes records as they have got 2 mrs jones on there records, mr jones says well whats the diffrence, doctor says well 1 has alzimers and the other had aids but dont know which 1 is which,mr jones asks how he woluld be able tell the diffrence doctor says when u go home take her out and drop her off 6 miles away from home and if she turns up dont fuck her....

 

a bloke sunbathing stark naked on the front lawn all his got is a hat to cover his privates. 2 women walk past 1 says if you were a gentlemen you would raise your hat to us bloke says if you werent so ugly the hat would raise it self

 

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name" he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "Whats your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." 



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