TheLastColdBeer Posted July 27, 2012 Member ID: 489 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 51 Topic Count: 548 Topics Per Day: 0.10 Content Count: 4674 Content Per Day: 0.87 Reputation: 5865 Achievement Points: 41116 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 14 Joined: 09/22/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: Friday at 08:53 AM Birthday: 01/09/1963 Device: Kindle Fire Share Posted July 27, 2012 Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 - Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb. Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili. hxtr 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
hxtr Posted July 27, 2012 Member ID: 220 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 147 Topic Count: 595 Topics Per Day: 0.11 Content Count: 16950 Content Per Day: 3.15 Reputation: 13538 Achievement Points: 129714 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 120 Joined: 09/04/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: October 26, 2023 Birthday: 04/05/1970 Device: Windows Share Posted July 27, 2012 did you type all that.. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
window Posted July 27, 2012 Member ID: 1189 Group: ++ COD2 Admin Followers: 21 Topic Count: 81 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2006 Content Per Day: 0.39 Reputation: 867 Achievement Points: 12807 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/26/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 3 hours ago Birthday: 07/20/1966 Device: Windows Share Posted July 27, 2012 Anything next to the beer truck for you LCB. No wonder why you don't wake up early on the weekends. Well when we live in our state what the hell else is there to look forward to but beer. At least you admitt it. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
TheLastColdBeer Posted July 28, 2012 Member ID: 489 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 51 Topic Count: 548 Topics Per Day: 0.10 Content Count: 4674 Content Per Day: 0.87 Reputation: 5865 Achievement Points: 41116 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 14 Joined: 09/22/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: Friday at 08:53 AM Birthday: 01/09/1963 Device: Kindle Fire Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 No hxtr, cut n' paste! If I typed all that there would be a thousand typos & grammar errors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
TBB Posted July 28, 2012 Member ID: 989 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 25 Topic Count: 271 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 18274 Content Per Day: 3.47 Reputation: 20341 Achievement Points: 133909 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 273 Joined: 01/07/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 20 hours ago Birthday: 01/27/1946 Device: Windows Share Posted July 28, 2012 Too much to read - time for more beer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
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