Pharticus

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER!
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This one's for you, Angel:
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc

These are the times you lean on those that DO have strength:  Vic, family, friends, etc.  These kind of burdens are meant to be shared by those that love you.  We idiots are here for you.  I'm praying for peace in times of trouble, rest when you're weary, and God's presence when you feel alone.

These are the times you lean on those that DO have strength:  Vic, family, friends, etc.  These kind of burdens are meant to be shared by those that love you.  We idiots are here for you.  I'm praying for peace in times of trouble, rest when you're weary, and God's presence when you feel alone.

This is just another reason why I carry everywhere I go.

These are the times you lean on those that DO have strength:  Vic, family, friends, etc.  These kind of burdens are meant to be shared by those that love you.  We idiots are here for you.  I'm praying for peace in times of trouble, rest when you're weary, and God's presence when you feel alone.

These are the times you lean on those that DO have strength:  Vic, family, friends, etc.  These kind of burdens are meant to be shared by those that love you.  We idiots are here for you.  I'm praying for peace in times of trouble, rest when you're weary, and God's presence when you feel alone.

you just have to remember god is using this as part of his plan ....for what? ...hard to say why....mabye he is testing ur faith rt now...more than likely...u need to go to him ask him to help u...he usually is guiding u in the background as he always is....i myself am goin thru so much weight on my shoulders rt now...more ways than ppl might think as not too many ppl know my situation...im always questioning my faith as well..but i know there is reason he wants me to go thru it...i dont know what it is he wants me to learn but i just got to put my full and complete trust in him...sometimes as humans we can be stubborn to this we try to handle things on our own but it not what he wants...he wants us to put everything on him...i know its a plaque on a wall but footprints holds true...cobras be praying for u and ur family...just put ur trust in him...eventually it will work out to his plan...

Good thing it's not your pecker.
Get well soon Pal!

 

 
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. 

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' 

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside
them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order.' 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job
takes longer than you said it would.' 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls,
no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts
- the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

You can leash your kids and it's ok, but if I spank mine it's child abuse.... 

The belt works better than the leash...............

It's what we've come to now that dads can no longer give a misbehaving kid the licking they need and deserve. In my day, if you misbehaved, any adult was liable to give you a smackdown and when you got home, your father wouldn't go looking for whoever assaulted you, he's beat the hell out of you for causing someone else to have to trouble themselves to beat the hell out of you.

You can leash your kids and it's ok, but if I spank mine it's child abuse.... 

I had two kids of my own and a grandson I raised, none of them ever
acted up in public.... and I mean NEVER.


my grandson was a wild little kid, but he respected me and I never had issues with him that would make me tie him to something.


Being
a parent is a full time job, some people just don't get it


Being
a parent means you don't come first


Being
a parent means you have to do shit you don't look forward to doing.


Being
a parent takes effort and consistency. 


Being
a parent means you don't put a kid on a fucking leash, because if you
do, it means you really really suck at it, and maybe the gene pool
should have stopped with you.

That is essentially my feelings. No I do not want kids running around amok or loose in a store, but again that happens because parents have not done their job. It's the parents fault, not the kids.
 
I raised 3 rather close in ages. They stayed with us in a store and sat and ate at a restaurant and respected the houses of our friends.  No they were not angels but knew when certain behavior was expected and taught.
 
I think a leash is just a tool for a parent who has failed miserably in the upbringing of their child. I still feel god about having said something. I know it was not right for me to do so, but damn it felt good.

Well, I thoroughly pissed of a women in my local supermarket yesterday evening. She had a kid, maybe 2-3 years old on a leash. The kid was not cooperating and was sitting on the floor protesting any further movement.
 
Now understand I simply do not like kids on leashes, to me it is exceptionally poor parenting.
 
As moved past her I casually asked her what type breed of dog the kid was. She exploded! Telling me quite loudly to "FCK**** mind your own God Damn business!" Her words exactly.
 
I simply casually continued on my way to check out with a smile of self satisfaction on my face. I sit here chuckling to myself as I type. This will be a story for me to relate to my kids.........they will be proud of me.
 
A highlight of my day, perhaps on my top ten list of things I have done.

1. Walking Dead
2. Combat Medics
3. Wicked Tuna
4. Gold Rush
5. American Pickers
6. The Following
7. Fast N Loud
8. Counting Cars
9. Deadliest Catch
10. Top Shot

Walking dead, that's all I watch.

An equal partner - a woman who gives as I give, who receives as I receive, where the focus of each is to completely satisfy the other, that the other' s needs are more important than your own.

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
 
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage
that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and
unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the
stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy
about it.'

Of course...  If one is going pull off a massive deception, one always enrols the Press to give ones scheme massive, worldwide news coverage...
 
It's refreshing to read of a decent human being - sadly, a rare event these days as the "newspapers" seem to prefer printing celebrity trivia and
half-truths.
 
There are many kind and honest folk in the world.

I miss Johnny Carson, what a great entertainer!

I think the patches are available on our download page, aren't they?  Let me look.  [wanders off briefly...]
 
 
[... ambles back in]
 
Um.  Nope.    Damn. 
I think I just Googled them up last time I did it.  They're scattered as I recall.  We really ought to host copies of them.  Admins?  What say you?  I know I still have them here if you need them uploaded...