STARPICKET

The teacher with fear in her heart asks little Johnny the question 'What would you like to do when you leave school' ?
true to form he replies ' I'd like to be a billionaire drug lord, I'd get me a bitch put her in big apartments in St Tropez and New York, smother her in gold and buy her a Rolls Royce, then I'd shag her five times a day minimum '
The teacher stunned doesn't quite know how to reply, she quickly turns to the next kid
' What would you like to be Susie ? ' she asks
' Johnny's bitch miss ' she replied

fart.mp4

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!
 
What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A can't opener ?
 
Green's is my favorite colour. I love it even more than...
Blue and yellow combined

How do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig

Aussigirl, Mistyshell and Bosun, I've enrolled on this fantastic course to understand you
 

Thanks for the birthday message, gave me a happy spirit lift.
STARPICKET

Thanks for the birthday message, gave me a happy spirit lift.
STARPICKET

Thanks for the birthday message, gave me a happy spirit lift.
STARPICKET

Thanks for the birthday message, gave me a happy spirit lift.
STARPICKET

A lesbian goes for a smear test and the nurse says that's the cleanest vagina I have ever seen !!!
The lesbian replies yes I have a women in twice a week !!!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”

A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger. They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing. “What shall we do?” said the wife. “I know,” said the husband. “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” “But it’s all wet and it stinks!” “Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"

"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.

"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “¨”Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

My Dear husband:
I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.
I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment ... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris ... But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed,
You’re Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that’s not a problem.