USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.
Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so you actually have none.
Ukraine: You have two cows. One of them feeds on American grass, the other feeds on Russian grass.
North Korea: You have two cows. Its name is Kim Jong Un.
France: You have two cows. You kill them, throw away everything except the filet mignon, and make cheese with the leftover Pasteurized milk.
Syria: You have two cows. They have been fighting for as long as you remember, but it is hard to remember anyway, because you are in Sweden.
Sweden: You have two cows. You offer them to the government, who gives everybody milk.
UK: You have two cows. After a lengthy court battle, the bovines hold a referendum and are separated.
Turkey: You have two cows. One of them gets arrested on charges of directing his methane at Erdogan's palace at the behest of the parallel state.
Nigeria: You have two cows. You convince an old American woman to invest in them, but pocket the money and run.
Japan: You have two cows. They are replaced by two 3d hologram cows and put in a zoo.
Italy: You have two cows. The northern one produces all the milk. The southern one sleeps all day.
Brazil: You have two cows. But not for long, because one shoots the other dead.
Thailand: You have two cows. One of them was born a bull.
Vatican City: You have two cows. They were both taken advantage of as calves.
Kazakhstan: You have two cows. They are both better cows than cows from Uzbekistan, who have bones in their brain.
Uzbekistan: You have two cows. They are probably less bored than you.
Saudi Arabia: You have two cows. Because they are not allowed to be around bulls.
Switzerland: You have two cows. Neither belong to you.
South Africa: You have two cows. The one with more white patches has more privileges.
Iran: You have two cows. When the US finds out, they impose sanctions on you on charges of running an illicit methane-powered missile program.
Canada: You have two cows. But who cares about beef when you've got Poutine.
Jamaica: You have two cows. They win 25 gold medals at the Bovine Olympics.
Australia: You have two cows. Upon further inspection, you realize that one is a koala, the other a kangaroo.
Israel: You have two cows. You expand their farmland every year.
Iceland: You have two cows. They freeze to death.
Greenland: You have two cows. They are in for a surprise.
Finland: You have two cows. They are more likely than your entire country to commit a crime.
Denmark: You have two cows. They have more rights than you.
Alaska: You have two cows. Their combined IQ is higher than that of your most popular governor.
Cote d'Ivoire: You have two cows. You rename your country Cote Leathoir.
Zimbabwe: You have two cows. They both vote for Mugabe.
Botswana: You have two cows. But that's not surprising because you have pretty much every type of non-extinct mammal in your country.
China: You have two cows. You post their pics all over social media, then sell people fake milk.
Germany: You have two cows. One lives in Deutchsland, the other lives in Germany. You still can't tell them apart.
El Salvador: You have two cows. They are less likely to get cut open than you.
Chad: You have two cows. They will probably outlive you.
Qatar: You have two cows. They each have a maid.
Kuwait: You have two cows. They each have a diamond-studded mercedes-benz.
Nauru: You have two cows. They probably weigh less than you.
Sudan: You have two cows. The southern one ran away because it contains more beef.
Yugoslavia: You have two cows. They die right after giving birth to 20 new cows.
Papua New Guinea: You have two cows. One eats the other.
India: You have two cows. You create a new country to banish all your people who might eat them.
USSR: You have two cows. But you wish this was not the case, because in Soviet Russia, cow milk you.
Bonus: Southern USA: You have two cows. Their milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours; they can teach you, though there is a charge; but if you upvote, then you won't be charged!
