DEEJAYKEG

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

A question for the Admins as I don't know if this is due to a game setting or a bug in BF3... I was playing a personal favourite - Conquest, Seine Crossing - tonight and, as a member of the storming Russian team, I laid out some mines. I then found myself switched to the losing Americans and, if that wasn't bad enough, all the mines I put out started racking up team kills - five in one episode! Now, I am prone to the odd tk - just ask Cheese - but that's usually because someone decides to run through my stream of bullets... Is there a setting in the game to permit mines to change allegiance with the player that laid them? I'm amazed I wasn't kicked.

Good luck and success in your new role, Sumo!

Unless one has enough hair left to style, a great deal of cash can be saved by buying ones own clippers. I haven't been to a barber's shop for years. I also have a beard trimmer that I use about every 14 days when I begin to look a bit "wild". http://www.wahl.com/

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see.." Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

prolly a couple hundred feet I would imagine. It's the one in Guatemala City from 2010 and they reckoned it was "30 storeys" deep: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/06/100601-sinkhole-in-guatemala-2010-world-science/

I was getting this with the onboard Realtek sound card but fixed it by using an external USB sound card (Steelseries).

I loved the Brit version also and it featured the Americans as regulars too. Host was Clive Anderson. Brilliant!

A similar picture for us in the UK, Dean - at least for those of us who live outside large population centres where a more competitive market exists. The townies pay less for the same service purely because there are more competitors after a slice of the cake. The two big hitters here are British Telecom (BT) and Virgin Media. BT's network has, traditionally, been built with twisted copper cables and it is only now extending its FTTC (fibre to the cabinet) reach. This means that fibre optic cable runs from the telephone exchange to the cabinet at the end of ones street and the final stretch to ones home is copper cabling. Virgin is ahead with the technology as it laid fibre for cable TV services years ago but those of us who live in homes built after the cable went down miss out as there's no cable under our street! The third option is mobile broadband (3G/4G) - useless for games as the ping is so high and usage is capped. Our area is also covered by a WiMax provider but one needs a dish fitting to the house to use that.

The wires/fibres have arrived down here and I could get something vaguely comparable if I wanted...at a price. I have decided I don't want to pay 50% more per month as the downstream speed has absolutely no effect on playing games or my pathetic ability in them. I can do nought about ping as the laws of physics determine that. If a fast connection aids your life or makes you happy, I am very pleased for you.

Welcome!

Welcome!

These men are either very brave or downright stupid... There's always payback!

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

http://youtu.be/5CoSsE5nsp4

A post to provide more information about the Gurkhas who serve in the British Army, following today's brief discussion in the COD5 DM server. We have a special interest in and affection for these brave warriors as they are stationed here when not overseas on operations and our area has a large Nepalese community. The Gurkha's traditional weapon is a long curved knife called a "kukri" and you'll see this in use (though not on an enemy!) in the short Army video I am embedding. "Bravest of the brave, most generous of the generous, never had a country more faithful friends than you” Sir Ralph Turner MC, 3rd Queen Alexandra's Own Gurkha Rifles, 1931 Who are the Gurkhas? BBC article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10782099 About the kukri: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kukri I enjoy Nepalese foods. These are called "Momo" and are little dumplings, a little like ravioli and eaten with a spicy dip: @@djMot @@JohnnyDos @@Marauder-CDN Ayo Gorkhali!

I thought I would share this short video for a number of reasons. Firstly, I think the R/C quad copter used to film it is really neat! Secondly, we have been across this magnificent aqueduct before and plan to return this summer. I could not yet tell you if the feeling of fear outweighed the surreal enjoyment of looking down and seeing flocks of birds flying below me! Thirdly, the song that accompanies this is beautiful; sung in Irish Gaelic and English, it is the 2001 Emmy Award-winning "A Dream That Only I Can Know" from the TV movie "Yesterday's Children" and performed by Jenn Mahoney. I have searched high and low for a CD or MP3 I could purchase without success (Amazon, 7digital, iTunes etc.) so, if anyone manages to locate it, please PM me (NB: I do not use pirate sites at all). djMot, any ideas? For more information on this UNESCO World Heritage Site, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pontcysyllte_Aqueduct @@djMot

Welcome!

Chile es su hermana mayor...

Congratulations! You are a worthy recipient of the clap...

From BBC News: "Beer drinkers in the US have filed a $5m (£3.3m) lawsuit accusing Anheuser-Busch of watering down its beer. The lawsuits, filed in Pennsylvania, California and other states, claim consumers have been cheated out of the alcohol content stated on beer labels. The suit involves 10 Anheuser-Busch beers including Budweiser and Michelob." Full article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-21597076

Of course... If one is going pull off a massive deception, one always enrols the Press to give ones scheme massive, worldwide news coverage... It's refreshing to read of a decent human being - sadly, a rare event these days as the "newspapers" seem to prefer printing celebrity trivia and half-truths. There are many kind and honest folk in the world.

You have my sympathies, mate, as I went through hell with them, myself, many years back. The banding is not a new technique and could be a darned sight less painful than conventional surgery down there. Hope your discomfort will soon be over.

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