STARPICKET

That window has a crack in it! lol

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

Thanks to you all, enjoy your friendship and well wishes.

Angelz will love this lol!
 
It had been snowing all night. So at    8:00 I made a snowman.   8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.   8:15 So, I made a snow woman   8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere   8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead   8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts   8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.   8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..   8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa   8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended   8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role   8:43 The Government equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction   8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.   9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.   9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services   9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded   Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's getting worse.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.. "That will 
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and 
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and 
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and 
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, 
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change 
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and 
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered 
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, 
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money 
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a 
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want 
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

@Crack  Here you go fker...
 
 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

isnt he a cutie , our "little"puppy, he becomes 1 year old in October.  The white one is also ours, he is 9 years old

There's me, then there is Dragon and Legman

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room.
Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life.
She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. 
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

Man, these are really good questions, hey @Bosun @AussieGirl @ausimatador @MistyShell inquiring minds want to know!
 
https://www.buzzfeed.com/jemimaskelley/wtf-australian-food

 

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself., "I really need a new fucking boat,"

Hey Toes, I found your truck.....lol