DEEJAYKEG Posted February 5, 2012 Member ID: 1238 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 35 Topic Count: 1207 Topics Per Day: 0.22 Content Count: 6083 Content Per Day: 1.10 Reputation: 4985 Achievement Points: 50728 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 11 Joined: 03/12/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 11, 2024 Posted February 5, 2012 My husband and I divorcedover religious differences. He thought he was God, andI didn't. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ringcircus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. --------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two times when aman doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The woman applying for ajob in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." ------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to theWizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Reason Why It's So Hard ToSolve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward lookedinto the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like tobuy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Because they had noreservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were toldthere would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate tohave to make a living under the laws they've passed. ------------------------------------------------------------------- All eyes were on theradiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; thebride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even thepriest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gavehim back his credit card. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and getused to the idea. --------------------------------------------------------------- --------- Three friends from thelocal congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friendsand congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them tosay?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people'slives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean toyou?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a shrink andsays, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes toLarry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbedand gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marryBob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." Awards
TBB Posted February 5, 2012 Member ID: 989 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 25 Topic Count: 290 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 20486 Content Per Day: 3.66 Reputation: 22513 Achievement Points: 147943 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 394 Joined: 01/07/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 16 hours ago Birthday: 01/27/1946 Device: Windows Posted February 5, 2012 lol - good ones - thanks Awards
hxtr Posted February 5, 2012 Member ID: 220 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 147 Topic Count: 595 Topics Per Day: 0.10 Content Count: 16950 Content Per Day: 2.96 Reputation: 13538 Achievement Points: 129714 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 120 Joined: 09/04/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: October 26, 2023 Birthday: 04/05/1970 Posted February 5, 2012 hahhahahahaa you Idiot!!! this one was good hahahhaa ---------- Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. oh man this was bad.. last line.. hahahahhaa ---------- With his last breath John said, "I do!" and the last one.. hahahaha ----------- "Take the poison." funny........... ok time for fake football. Have a sucky day......... no for real get one.
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