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Posted

SCOTTISH
WEDDING
  

At the
Scottish wedding reception the D.J.
yelled...


 

"Would all
married men please stand next to the one person who has
made 
 


 

your life
worth living."


 

The
bartender was almost crushed to death.


 

SEX


 

Condoms
don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..   A friend of
mine 
 


 

was
wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


 

New
Book


 

A
man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you
have 
 


 

 the
new book out for men with short penises?"


 

She
replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."


 

"That's
the one; I'll take a copy…"


 

Poor Lance
Armstrong -


 



I
think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has
treated 
 


 



Lance
Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning
7 
 


 



Tour
de France races, while on drugs.

When
I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
 


 

Drive By


 

A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV,
just the 
 


 

 remote. Now he drives by and changes the
channels.


 

Sick Bastard!!


 

The Agony of
Aging


On the morning
that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my 
 


 

aging friend. He was busy covering his
penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing
checked - You're supposed to 
 


 

turn your clock back". 


 

SCAM


 

Just got scammed
out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled 
"My Favourite 


 

18
Holes"
.
Turns out it's about golf.  
Absolute waste of money! Pass this
on so others don't get scammed.


Best Regards,
Charlie
Sheen
 


 

So
True


 



 Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you only dress yourself. 
 


 



The Moral
of the story:


 



In
life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.


 

Pregnant
Prostitute


 

   
 
Doctor
asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" 
 
"For f.... sakes ,
   if you ate a tin of beans would you know
which one 
 


 

 made you
fart?" 


 

Sex
Research
 (could be
handy
)


 

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with
2 people is a twosome, 
 


 

 now I understand why they call you
handsome!


 

 EASYJET


 

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a
flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with
you?" 

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane.
"


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Posted

lol nice ones :smoke:



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Posted

Good one Johnny :laughing:


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