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Mother, "How was school today, Paddy?" Paddy, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Paddy, "What school?"

Mick Murphy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Ireland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked Mick, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Mick looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email and after a few minutes receives a response. The man turns to Mick and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "The number is correct. Sure you can take one of my calves," says Mick. Mick watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Mick says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your job is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Mick. "Wow! That's correct," says the man, "How in the world did you guess?" "No guessing required," answered Mick. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...Now give me back my dog!"

Miss your wit in the forums Rob, you always manage to put a smile on my face

Essssieeee had been out on a blind date. The following morning, her best friend Deirdre asked her, “How was your blind date?” “It was terrible,” Essssieeee replied. “Rob showed up in a chauffeur driven, mint condition, 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom.” “Wow! What’s so terrible about that?” Essssieeee sighed, “He was the original owner.”

You trying to kill me off girl?? remember us old men have weak hearts. What's the matter my lovely, boyfriend troubles?? don't worry one will come along that's perfect, you're a romantic and very few men are the same. I was in the pub the other day with the wife and looking at my drink, 'I love you' I said 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she said I replied ' I was talking to the beer'

XtremeIdiots would like to wish all members celebrating their birthday today a happy birthday. leadpoison (79)MONSTERKILL (58)THE MEEK (59)Raisin (52)tacobill (49)Grumpy_Git --

@BUDMAN 's roof top

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend. His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.” His friend asked, “You told her you were 40?” No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

OMG LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL i loved this one...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to her grandparent's house to visit 95 year-old grandmother O'Malley and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, ding and dong, ding and dong. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that blooming ice cream van hadn't come along."

There has been some renewed interest in playing CTF with some modifications. IP: 149.56.146.79:28960 - server is ranked so custom classes can be made - no auto rank so you need to gain rank and weapons unlocks; can be changed if preferred but where's the fun in that haha - no dogs, no tanks, artillery available - best 2 of 3 rounds; 10 min each; 3 min OT if needed - no spawn protection; so get moving when you respawn; (done for other purpose) - Rule: No camping the enemy flag; nothing like getting shot as soon as you spawn (see above note) Initial map rotation map mp_agx_ameland map mp_agx_port map mp_amberville map mp_ambush map mp_dome map mp_burma map mp_carentan map mp_cw_brecourt map mp_kokoda map mp_little_village map mp_rostov map mp_toujane map mp_wolftown map mp_xi_shima map mp_dawnville map mp_matmata Any other suggestions, post here.