DEEJAYKEG

The new shape makes me think of a poodle...

I took an oath of office also but when that office terminated so did my oath to behave in certain ways. My wife, soon after my retirement, made a comment about a decision I had made that was honest and compatible with the former office. I replied that, just because I was no longer enforcing the law, I did not cease to have an obligation to uphold or comply with it. I don't believe that oaths define people, rather that people prepared to take oaths and adhere to them have personal qualities that do not cease when their years of service end. A military oath by its very nature has absolutely no relevance to civilian life. Those who have, in the past, faithfully adhered to it have, however, certain character and qualities...

Does this mean you'll always do what the president tells you?

Condolences, Pwr'. Hopefully, in time you will remember her as she was when not afflicted by that horrible condition.

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A black one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button? Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it. Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen? Customer: ...Oh! ....wait a minute..... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it... ============== Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work. =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274. Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters? =============== Customer: I can't open Yahoo calendar. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Yes... five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Hotmail. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.. Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: .......Who the hell transferred this call to me??? =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under Windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point. The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Players are finding that their clan tags are switched off after installing/ playing this mod. Not a big deal and easily fixed within game from multiplayer options.

A tourist was walking through a cemetery in Vienna and all of a sudden he heard music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source. He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards ! Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards. The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave. They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the group asked him if he had an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker said, . . . . . . . "He's decomposing."

This sort of glurgy cr*p is always spouted by those lucky enough not to have suffered during childhood. It wasn't idyllic for all and I, for one, do not look back with huge joy. I'm pleased it's gone and good riddance! The ills of this world were as present then as they are now - they just get reported more widely and more quickly due to our modern communications, these days. I don't mean to offend - just saying it how it is.

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, Well, he's certainly not my husband. As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, He's not my husband either. He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a member of this golf club. ****************************************************************************************************************************************** Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..." ****************************************************************************************************************************************** She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." ****************************************************************************************************************************************** HE MUST PAY Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. ******************************************************************************************************************************************

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ... While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies "Yes, I have, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

The wife had a couple of stunning early morning wildlife encounters today (I don't do early mornings even on the boat!) Firstly,she nearly freaked when a face came up through the water to take the bread she'd been dropping in to feed the local fry... This was a mirror carp I'd estimate at 20lbs plus and it was joined by a common carp of a similar size. We think they'd been hiding under the boat. Then,to top it all, a kingfisher used the boat as a perch and returned to our bow line with a fish he'd just caught. So, after lunch(told you I don't do early...), I got the fishing rod out and tackled up. I had to make do with four fish - roach and rudd - to 5 ounces! Further up the canal, a fellow pulled out a 23lb carp...

Then ya tied her up!!!! LOL Wish I could gag her sometimes! Oh crap,am I in trouble...

Have you discovered this jewel from the Netherlands across The Pond? We have her album playing on board the boat currently.

In the larger scheme of things what these celebrities do or say has no relevance. It is about time that the focus shifted onto work that makes a difference in this world and away from the self-obsessed and fame-seeking. I yearn to see more Mother Teresas and fewer pop "stars" ! Personally, I am sick of celeb "culture" if you hadn't noticed...

I am at a loss to offer meaningful words after this shocking loss, mate. I just pray that knowing so many friends support you and your family at this most painful of times will, in some way, help you to cope with this. You and your family, are, indeed, in my prayers. Love and condolences to you all.

Any excuse to spend the day watching a young filly's hind quarters... I applaud your staying power! After 27 years my old mare keeps telling me how lucky I am...

So, we offloaded the car onto the boat, checked it over and left the marina. We cruised north just a couple of miles to moor up in the countryside for the night. Wife stepped off to hold the boat into the bank with a line whilst I tied her (the boat, you sickos) up. She said, "Eleven in the sky". I said, "What?". She said, "Look up". I said, "That's not eleven, that is Xtreme Idiots! Hope I can get a picture!". She jumped on board and took the shot... Really uncanny!

Does this mean we no longer have to let the Wookie win?

Very sad news I have just read in the UK press. A favourite author whose political and military thrillers were uncannily realistic!

Great video - that's what I call a car wash!

In the style of Tommy Cooper... 1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2.. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any. 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy' 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.' 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 17. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 18. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'