Nuns Going to Heaven

[baldie]

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it." 

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by baldie

[baldie]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. 

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. 

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.  He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.  Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:

"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you, too." 

 

[AyaqGuyaq]

Sir @baldie, the first joke, while bordering on "blasphemy," was funny as Hell.

Lol--forgive the oxymoron, as if going to "Hell" could be funny.

The second one, sir, was both funny and gross at the same time, if that's at all possible.

Lol, yet again (ibid).

Ayaq

[Graywolf]

lol nice